I've always liked this scene from "The Wiz" (the Black adaptation of "The Wizard Of Oz" for those not in the know). A young Michael Jackson plays The Scarecrow. Unlike the original movie, Jackson's Scarecrow isn't so much dumb, but negative, naive, and besieged by his eternal enemies (some ghetto crow-people...Yeah, this movie got made somehow!). Well, around this time 4 months ago this was pretty close to how I felt. I was about as low as I've ever been. I felt powerless & paranoid. Surrounded by enemies (both real & imagined), betrayed by friends, and attacked by my own negative thoughts. It was like a sick game that my mind would play with my heart. Frequently I would diminish the good things in my life or the praise I got from my family, friends, and co-workers. It was nice to hear...But to my broken psyche they were hollow words that couldn't fill the hole in my soul. Instead my mind would reject the positivity and instead absorb all of the negative things in my life and use them as ammunition to attack myself and continue the same vicious cycle that I had ben repeating for the past 25 years.
But now with a few months of perspective and clarity under my belt; I know that everything really does happen for a reason. Everyone goes through hard times, the important thing -What defines our character - is how you respond. I can honestly say for most of my life I didn't handle adversity well. I usually kept everything inside and tried to drink and/or smoke the pain away. It was effective to some degree, but ultimately nothing got solved by doing that. Today I'm smarter, stronger, and healthier (mentally & physically) than I've ever been. I've taken my fair share of hits, but I'm working hard to no longer let those losses define me. I realize that I CAN win (or at least break even)...And I've finally checked myself out of the game.
They say it's always darkest before the dawn...And maybe they're right. I don't know what life has in store for me, but I know that I have better days ahead. Onward & Upward...I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!
Welp...Another year, another birthday. What does it all mean (besides being another year closer to the grave)? 35 was an interesting year for me. It was filled with ups & downs, great revelations, devastating losses, and a lateral career move (Literally...No BS. My new job is right across the parking lot from my old one!). One of the things my Pops always recommends is taking stock in your life, and he's partial to Pro/Con lists. So as I turn 36 (4 years away from 40...I'm almost officially 'The Old Man In The Club'...Lol!), here's where I see myself after the events of the past 365 days.
Cons:
1.) My Carer Path - Another year came & went with little forward momentum on the job front. Other than my seasonal television work, the only other forms of employment I had last year were all of the fast food variety. At this point in my life, I should be beyond this. That's not to say that there's anything wrong with the food service industry. It's an honest day's work for an honest day's pay (granted the pay is super-low, but low-money's better than no money!), and in this economy simply having a job is a blessing. But with my experience I should be doing better. Thankfully I think I finally got the kick in the butt I needed to stop selling myself short. Yes I've got to work fast food for the time being until I can get back on my feet...But I truly feel like 36 will be the year that changes the course of my career path for good.
2.) My Ontario Odyssey - Hoo-boy, where do I start? This was perhaps the most emotionally & financially draining venture of my life! While there were some positives that came out of the move (I'll get to that later), for the most part it was a huge gamble that didn't pay off. Not only did I lose the love of my life and let down three people that I cared deeply for, not only did I lose some respect in the eyes of my parents, not only did I have to come back to America with my tail tucked in-between my legs...But it all happened so suddenly & without warning. My ex & I had been planning this dream life for 18 months, and it only took 5 weeks to destroy it! One of the biggest regrets of my life. What makes it even more painful is that we're not even friends anymore. You're talking about two people that were inseparable for nearly two years and then one day out of the blue we just stopped speaking. I guess all things happen for a reason, and maybe she was never meant to be "The One". As much as it hurts to say, maybe she was just placed in my life to lead me to the point where I could admit my abuse & then - her mission accomplished - she ascended back to whatever cotton candy-filled cloud she came down from in the first place...I was totally kidding about that last part. Clouds aren't made of cotton candy...They're made from marshmallows (everybody knows that!). But I guess I'd sum up my experience in the Great White North with the words of Ghandi (or Dave Chappelle quoting Ghandi), "When you lose, don't lose the lesson".
Pros:
1.) My Weight Loss - For most of the year, my weight hovered at or above 250 pounds. I tried to work out, but stress at work + late hours + the general unhappiness of my life equaled a sad fat man. I finally started working out in earnest about 3 months ago and I sit here this afternoon at a svelte 230 lbs! My goal is to be under 200 by the end of the year. I haven't been this motivated to work out in a long time and along with the health benefits, it's actually providing a slight boost to my self-esteem (which is always nice)!
2.) Finally Admitting My Abuse - The incident that re-wired my brain and changed the course of my life has always been like this anchor that has dragged down every aspect of my life. The worst part about it was that I didn't even know it was affecting me. That changed one night during an argument with my ex where she finally got me to admit what happened to me 26 years ago. Finally admitting that has been a blessing & a curse. It's really great that I've been able to let go of this secret and start working towards living a healthy & happy life...But this stuff is way harder than I ever imagined it would be! It's bad enough my abuse has cost me jobs, friendships, and the love of my life...But having to dig back through my past in therapy is really painful. I know it's part of the healing process, but this is like pouring a bottle of Bactine in an open wound (my 30+ crowd will get the Bactine reference...lol!). But I guess you've got to go through it to get to it.
3.) Lessons Learned From Canada - Even though it ended terribly, my relationship with my ex/my brief time in Canada did provide me with a lot of positive moments and lessons over the past year. I've never been in a relationship that's lasted over 3 months, so not only did I smash my personal best...But I learned that being in a loving, committed relationship can be very rewarding. I also learned that I can be in a relationship with a smart/pretty/funny/caring woman and I'm good enough for her just by being me. I don't have to always try so hard to be funny or charming or cool...Silly-ass Nate is worthy of love just by virtue of being myself. I also learned that honesty is always the best policy. Even if you lose the girl by being honest, it's better than lying. Besides, if your love is real the truth can only strengthen it.
I also learned that I don't have to stay in Virginia for the rest of my life. I've always had this notion in my head that I was never good enough to make it anywhere else...That if I left the confines of the Commonwealth terrible no-good very bad things would happen to me. Not only did I leave Virginia...I left the whole doggone country! I made 4 international flights last year, I got a passport, I dealt with customs, I KILLED it on TSN Radio, I left the safety net that I had built down here and chased after a dream and nothing bad happened to me (other than the whole losing my soulmate forever thing, but I digress)! The important thing is that now I have the knowledge & confidence to leave Virginia in order to make one last pursuit of my career goals. I don't know where I'll go once I get back on my feet...LA, Charlotte, Atlanta, who knows. What I do know is that I'm talented enough to succeed if I come up with a smart game-plan, stop being afraid, and go after my dream job!
The last positive lesson that I learned from Canada is that I'm worthy of happiness. For so long I've felt unworthy of love & happiness. My interactions with Canada showed me that I'm a smart, funny, talented, caring, loyal dude that is deserving of love, deserving of career success, and deserving of happiness...I just gotta be honest, be brave, and be myself!
4.) My Podcast - I love it! Not only does it provide me with a weekly stress-reliever, not only is it slowly but surely starting to gain an audience, but it's also introduced me to two really cool cats that I can honestly call friends. I'm not used to having real friends. I've always been more of an acquaintance-hoarder...But creating genuine friendships has been super hard for me. Now that my ex is out of the picture, I can count the number of true "flesh & blood" friends I have on one hand...That's kind of a sad statistic, but I'm thankful for their camaraderie & companionship. If it weren't for them, this whole re-adjusting to America process would have driven me crazy (crazier...Lol!).
So...What have I learned from the past year?
I learned that life is way harder, but also way more beautiful than I ever knew it could be. I learned that being in love is kinda amazing & losing love really sucks...But neither one is a matter of life & death. I learned that taking chances can be fun. I learned that I sell myself way too short. I learned that my past doesn't have to define my future. I learned that win, lose, or draw, the Sun always rises. And finally, I learned that no matter what you do time keeps on moving forward. No matter how much I think about the past or look forward to the future...I've got to live in the present. I've got to be fully immersed in the now if I truly want to get the most out of my life. So goodbye 35...Thanks for the memories & the lessons. 36...Bring it on!
You know, I've always been of the opinion that words are some of the most powerful things on Earth. They have the power to create & the potential to destroy. They can be used to build someone up just as easily as they can be used to tear them down. They can be used to uplift...And also used to oppress.
In the wake of the George Zimmerman verdict, and the media's firestorm of bloviation and blindness to the feelings of many within the Black community, a number of thoughtful and thought-provoking essays, articles, and blogs were written about the topic (present company included...Lol!). I don't know if any of these pieces will lead to really conversation & real change...but it's a start.
Anyways, I saw a poem today that was both touching and provacative. I dug it, so I figured I'd share the link: "Little Black Boy Wonder" . I thought it was pretty powerful, and a fitting tribute/post-script to Trayvon Martin's life & death.
In other news...I've FINALLY got a job!!! My life's been in a continuous state of disarray ever since I returned home from Canada, and not being able to go to work definitely contributed to the chaos. Being able to get out of the house on a regular basis will definitely go a long way towards helping me to heal. Even though the job's not glamorous or exciting, it'll be good just to have a daily purpose again. Besides, I miss being a part of a team and interacting with co-workers...Who knows, maybe I'll even find a Spottieottiedopaliscious lady-friend or two. It's not likely, but a brother can dream...Lol!
Welp...Now that the nation has had a week to digest the verdict of the George Zimmerman murder trial, I think I'll finally share my thoughts on the matter....
I was surprised at the "Not Guilty" verdict, but not shocked. There were so many moving parts in this case that if any one of those parts fell through, the whole case could be compromised. The state may have aimed too high with a 2nd-Degree Murder charge...But for Zimmerman to walk away scot-free seems extremely unsettling, specially to a lot of African-Americans.
The night of the verdict, I took to Twitter to deliver a pointed, but honest assessment of the events of the evening: "To my White friends & family, nights like tonight are why your Black friends may seem angry, paranoid, agitated, 'uppity', or even defeated at times.". I know that statement may have ruffled some feathers...But as I've learned recently, it's not my responsibility to worry about how others deal with the truth. What matters most is that I finally speak it.
THIS is the reality that a lot of us Black & Brown folks deal with on a day to day basis. Not only do we deal with the same trials & tribulations that everyone has to go through, not only do we face the same feelings of pain & self-doubt that everyone struggles with. But we also have to deal with a country that fundamentally has never really figured out how to deal with people of (any) color. Sure we are tolerated, but I don't feel that Black, Brown, or even poor White folks have ever been wholly accepted by America. It's a systemic problem that generally only gets lip service from those in power.
Sure, America LOVES Black culture --They'll copy it, assimilate it, and even profit off of it-- But it's the Black people that some seem have a problem with. Oh they like Black celebrities...But there's a fundamental lack of respect for average everyday hard-working Black Americans. Not every Black person can sing or dance or tell a joke or dunk a basketball...But that does not mean that they don't matter. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness" should not be the exclusive right/privilege of wealthy White folks.
Now it's not just the fault of the corporate elite in this country...Black & Brown folks frankly need to do better. We need to be better students, better parents, better husbands & wives, better workers, etc. But the problem arises when you do all of that, and you still end up on the bottom looking up. Going to work every day waiting for something to break your way, waiting for some good fortune to "trickle down" from the top. Now some on the Right might see that as the views of an entitled person, someone looking for a handout. But I think I can safely speak for all hard-working, law-abiding, citizens (of any color)...We don't want a hand-out, we simply want an opportunity. An opportunity to show what we can do, an opportunity to be judged by our work & not by our pigmentation, an opportunity to live the life that every hard-working American should have access to.
What the Zimmerman trial verdict signified to a lot of Black people is that we are still somewhat marginalized citizens. Sure the outright and overt racism of pre-1970's America has largely dissipated, but the antiquated attitudes of that era are still held by many of the money-takers and decision-makers. To have people actually go on TV and blame Trayvon Martin for the events that led to his death is pretty appalling. So the guy with a weapon can stand his ground, but the kid trying to get home to his family can't? The other thing that disturbed me was the attempt to characterize Trayvon as a "Thug". If occasionally smoking weed, disrespecting adults, posting somewhat inappropriate pictures of yourself online, and having an inflated opinion of yourself makes you a thug...Then I know plenty of White thugs (most of them college-aged girls...Lol!). People act as if they weren't knuckleheads at 17 (and 27, and 37, and beyond). We don't know what this kid could have become. He could have become a productive member of the community, a good husband, a good father. Unfortunately we'll never know. The other thing that kind of annoys me is people that would wish to put 100% of the burden for change on Black folks. Fox News and the (mostly) old-guard of the Republican Party love to bring up the issue of Black-on-Black crime when it suits their arguments...But outside of that, they act like they couldn't care any less about the thousands of young Black males that are victims of violent crime every year. Do Black people need to do better? Absolutely...But that doesn't exonerate White folks from their responsibility either. For Black & Brown people to live up to their full potential, we need to be more accountable for our actions AND White folks need to realize how some of their decisions have brought America to the place we are right now. The current state of socio-economic affairs in this country is not an either/or situation...And we need an all of the above solution.
The bottom line is that George Zimmerman was tried and found "not guilty" (but not exactly "innocent" per se) by a jury of his peers. And while I do not agree with the verdict, I respect it. It's how our judicial system works. Sure the legal system in America has plenty of flaws, but it's still our system...And I wouldn't trade it for any other system in the world. The question now is where do we go from here? Do we allow cases like this to further divide our country, or do we FINALLY start having some real conversations with each other? Do we finally have frank conversations about race & class & poverty & gun violence in this country? I think communication and empathy are the keys to unity. We cannot start to heal as a nation until we begin to talk TO each other & not merely AT each other. In the words of President Obama (who made some particularly thoughtful comments about the subject yesterday)...This is a "Teachable Moment". The question is, what will we learn from it? Will we learn to com together, or will we continue to teach the next generation our petty lessons of hate & fear & insensitivity? For the sake of my nieces (and maybe my future kids), I hope so. We've got to find a way to get along. We've got to find a way to not only survive...But thrive as a nation. There's been a lot of controversy about the "Justice For Trayvon Martin" movement...But I think that "Justice" extends beyond the actual verdict. The "Justice" lies in making sure that a young man didn't die in vain. None of us really knows what happened that night...But what we do know is that we all can do a batter job at loving our fellow man. We all can do a better job at communicating with people who are different from us. This case was a sad story on all sides...But what would truly be sad is if we don't learn from this and grow as a country. Rest In Peace, Trayvon. Hopefully American can use your tragic death as a springboard to a new life in this great nation. P.E.A.C.E. - Positive Energy Activates Constant Elevation
So I've been eating a lot of Chinese food lately, and with Chinese food comes fortune cookies. I don't know who first came up with the idea (and I can't be bothered to Wikapedia it right now)...But fortune cookies are an awesome gimmick! Not only do you get to eat a sweet (albeit slightly stale) cookie...But you get a sentence or two of potentially life-altering wisdom to boot!
I've collected a handful of the "best" fortunes and I'm going to share them with you. I'm gonna rate the validity/usefulness of the fortunes on a scale of 1-5 pieces of General Tso's chicken. Like to hear it...Here it goes!
* Fortune #1: "Leadership is action, not position"
- I completely agree with this fortune. There's much more to being a boss than a title. True leadership requires vision, service, compassion, courage, and conviction.
Rating: 4 pieces of chicken.
*Fortune #2: "Inspiration is within...It's time to go deep"
- This is vague. It's kinda true, but also pretty weak as far as fortunes go. This reminds me of that Simpson's episode where thy had a barrel of "Leave your wife" fortunes sitting next to a barrel of "Work it out" fortunes. Boooo!
Rating: 2 pieces of chicken. * Fortune #3: "In the near future, you will discover how fortunate you are"
- Meh. I guess it's true, but you could also gt hit by a bus next week. This is one of this "hedging your bets" fortunes. It's not terrible, but it's not exactly enlightening either.
Rating: 2 1/2 pieces of chicken. * Fortune #4: "Judge each day not by the harvest that you reap, but by the seeds that you plant"
- Amen! This is something that I'm learning each & everyday. Everyday I may not get a huge victory...But i can grow and learn and set the stage for those victories. Patience is a virtue.
Rating: 5 deliciously sweet pieces of chicken
So...What have we learned from this little excersise? We learned that Chinese food is scrum-diddly-umptious. We learned that fortune cookie fortunes are pretty hit & miss, and we learned that I have waaaaaayyy too much time on my hands...Lol!
So, the moment that I had been dreading for nearly two years finally occurred...My ex & I finally went our separate ways. And nothing happened!
The Earth didn't spin off of it's axis, the Sun still came up, the birds still chirped...And I woke up. I just experienced one of the most painful days of my life, and I made it out relatively unscathed. I mean my heart still aches, but that will pass in time. The important thing is that I realized that as much as I loved my ex, I don't need her (or any other person) to survive.
Last night was pretty interesting. I'm not exactly proud of my behavior (killing a 12-pack, going H.A.M. all over social media, and engaging my ex in one last argument), but it is what it is (or it was what it was). What I am proud of is the chats I had with some of my friends. As you may know, being honest & vulnerable with other people has never been my strong suit, but last night I had some really affirming chats with people I trust. I realized that with or without her, I'm a good guy. My self-worth is not dependent on validation from females or from employers or even from my parents. I'm good enough just because I'm me.
Besides introspection, today's been all about hangin' with my nieces. I've always gotten along really well with kids (probably something related to my abuse), and sometimes I think the only people on the planet that truly get me are all 15-25 years younger than me! Anyways, we've spent the afternoon watching TV & playing Uno and joking and eating Chinese food (which was extra good since it's the first thing I've eaten in a day & a half).
All in all, not a bad way to spend the first day of the rest of my life!
#TeamMilton
So, I guess the universe's big lesson for me today is that I have an ego problem. Apparently I tend to dominate conversations and frequently sprinkle in comments about how great I am or how good I am or whatever. That might be true, but to be honest I find it kinda comical.
Is it possible to truly have a big ego AND extremely low self-esteem at the same time? Maybe that's a question to bring up in my next therapy session. I mean, obviously there are some things I'm proud of. I'm a damn-good broadcaster, a pretty good writer, a good uncle, and generally a kind-hearted person. But I'm also a person with incredible insecurities & fears. It still amazes me that I was able to get a woman like my ex to fall in love with me. She was beautiful and smart and funny...And I'm short, fat, broke, & Black. She actually said I was the standard that she would measure all of her future boyfriends by. I find that hard to believe, but it's a nice sentiment. And I'm pretty sure that every woman I meet from now on will have the unfair task of trying to live up to my "Canadian Wifey".
I guess she & her friends think that I'm worthless and stupid and a loser. They feel that I have a negative influence on her life. I guess that's fair. My friends keep telling me that she's confused and needs time to heal. That I'm being too hard on myself when it comes to her unhappiness with me. I know it's not healthy to have so much of my self-worth wrapped up in one person, but for whatever reason letting go of her has and will probably continue to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
All I know is that this shit is mind-numbingly confusing. How am I supposed to start feeling better about myself and my life if people accuse me of being egotistical when I start to do so??? It doesn't compute for me. Then again, maybe it's not ALL about me...Maybe this is about her as well. She's had a rough life and been through a few bad relationships. She needs a lot of love & attention, and maybe there just wasn't enough attention to go around when we were both in the same room. Maybe she needs a guy that's more confident/comfortable in his own skin, a guy that can focus on her needs. And maybe I need a girl that is more patient and realizes that I am a work in progress. A girl that knows that I'm worth waiting for and one that can love me despite my faults. Maybe we had a good relationship in spite of ourselves. Maybe this thing was doomed to fail from the start. Who knows. All I know is that we did (and maybe still do) have deep love for one another, but personality-wise we're not a good fit right now (maybe we never were).
The only thing I'm certain of right now? I'm gettin' drunk as a skunk tonight...Lol!
After 3 months of riding a roller-coaster of emotions with my ex she just hit me up and said she never wanted to talk to me again...Via a Facebook message. No call or nothing. Just, "Enjoy your life Nate...I'm out". Damn.
She says I have an ego problem (which I've admitted...and which she's known about for almost two years). But despite knowing that I'm a Leo (so is she, BTW)...She finally came at me today by saying I affect her day too much (Does she not know how much SHE affects every single waking moment of my life???). So she's done. She's never going to speak to me again. After being blindsided by her message, I stumbled to the store to buy some smokes (and fought back tears every step of the way). I couldn't comprehend why this was happening, and why was it happening today? What set her off, what did I do wrong?
Then it hit me, sure I may have an ego issue...But I've done nothing wrong in terms of our communication lately. I've been completely honest with her. She may not have liked my truth (I think the word she used to describe me & my feelings was "dumb"), but it's not my job to make sure people accept my truth in a good fashion. All I can do is be real with her. So I lost her the first time because I lied. And now I've lost her forever because I was honest with her. It sucks, but all I can do is be truthful. If she cannot or will not accept my honesty, then I guess it is what it is. It hurts like hell and I actually considered ending it all (yeah I know, again), but THAT would be dumb. I have to do what's best for Nate even if the most important person in my life has seemingly given up on me.
Which brings us back to this blog. I know it kind of disappeared without fanfare a couple of months ago (mainly because my ex had a problem with it and I took it down because I wanted to make her happy)...But now that she's out of my life, I may as well bring it back. It's a great tool for me to process my thoughts and a good way to vent without doing harm to myself or others.
So...What's the big take-away from today? I think my ex is nuts...And so am I...And so is everyone else trying to make it in this world. We made each other very happy for a year and a half. And we've driven each other crazy for the past 4 months. I don't think it's good that we affect each other so much. Maybe it means we really do love each other, or maybe it means we should go our separate ways & never speak again. All I know is that this is a fucked up way to start a weekend, but it maybe the kick in the ass I need to really focus on my healing.
I need to concentrate on becoming the best Nate I can be. Now that may sound egotistical & selfish...But as a good (ex)friend once told me, "You need to be selfish right now, babe". Well Red, looks like I'm finally listening to you! Take care of yourself. You've helped make me a better man. I will always love you and "our" kids. Hopefully one day we can both look back on our time together with a sense of fondness. We've been drinking from each other's cups for a while now...Maybe it's wise that we take some time to sober up. </3
So...It finally happened. It may not have happened in the way I imagined it, or the way I would have wanted it to. But it happened. I am no longer IN love with my ex!!! I mean I still love her (that may never go away)...But my desire to be with her again is probably dead & gone forever (or at least greatly diminished).
Let me set the scene. The last two nights have been really rough for some reason. I was really missing her & "us". I felt that I'm on my way to becoming a better man...The man that she wants & needs. She's been through too many bad relationships and I really wanted to be the guy that finally made her complete. It seemed like anytime my brain got some free time, my thoughts immediately went to her. I would close my eyes and imagine holding her one more time. Kissing her on her forehead, stroking her hair, telling her that she was the most beautiful and funny and intelligent woman in the world. That I finally started getting real and I was back to make her as happy as she could ever dream of being. Now, intellectually I knew that those thoughts weren't healthy...But the heart wants what the heart wants. So after praying & exercising, & working on my podcast, I decided to get drunk to drown out the visions of my ex that were dancing in my head. Well that was like pouring gasoline on a damn campfire...Lol!
Before you know it, I had gone and done the unthinkable...I sent her a message on Facebook (I know, right?)! It was a bad idea, but I didn't know where else
to turn. The first week without her was relatively easy...But the last
two nights were unbearable. It was like I had all
this built-up pressure and I had to break the emergency glass and
release that pressure. Well anyways, she contacted me tonight and she was pretty nice and cordial...But she was also very distant and super-detached. This was the woman who wanted to marry me 3 months ago? This was the woman that wanted to get back together 2 months ago?? This was the woman that told me a month ago that she loved & cared about me and would do anything to make me feel better??? I don't know what happened to that woman...But this chick tonight was someone completely different.
But you know what...She ended up helping me after all. I don't know if she planned it (she is fairly brilliant), or if it was just another one of the happy coincidences/divine interventions that defined our relationship...But it worked. Her words hit me like a slap in the face and they made me livid! I have never been so angry with her. I went to my e-mail account and wrote her a scathing letter that I'll never send (a trick she taught me), and then I worked out for an hour. After a while the anger started to fade, and all that was left was a fire in my belly. I finally have the motivation & desire needed to do this without a woman who was such a big part of my world. I'll always have a place in my heart for her. But if she (or anyone else) isn't ready to be a part of "Team Nate" and be a friend/ally/supporter to me during this process, they can kiss my shrinking-by-the-day Black ass...Lol! I'm a good man. And in 9 months or 16 months or however long this process takes, I'm gonna be a great man. Maybe she'll get to meet that great man one day (I'd really like that)...Maybe she won't. Either way, I've got to really focus on Nate's needs. I'm done trying to please others. I'm finally ready to start being a warrior. And I'm not fighting for money, or fame, or for a woman...I'm fighting for myself. It sucks that someone I adored so much apparently thinks so little of me...But in her own roundabout way she gave me a great gift tonight. She gave me license to truly be self-centered and focus on my healing. It's all about me right now. It's a new day...And after 25 years of wallowing, I'm finally ready to get out there and start living!
BTW - I LOVE this song, but what the hell is up with this video?!?
***Update***
We had a pretty good conversation about 3 hours after I posted this. She actually told me that occasionally she misses me. My mind is blown. And while that revelation changes my earlier thoughts about her...It doesn't change the fact that I need to be fully invested in the business of improving my mental health and becoming a more open & honest person. She's a great girl who deserves great things. And in my perfect world, I'd be the guy to help provide her those great things. But this is the real world. And in the real world she's gotta take care of her, I've gotta take care of me...And everything else will work out the way it's supposed to.
So...The past couple of days have been interesting. First of all, I've been exercising more. Tonight marked the 12th consecutive day that I've worked out for at least 20 minutes a day. Now that may not sound like much, but it's actually a pretty big step for me. I think I've probably lost at least 7 pounds (I don't own a scale)...But my body is slowly starting to look better (either that or my self-esteem/image is improving). I've also been hot on the trail of a new job. I walked down to a local restaurant today and turned in my resume (after apparently slamming the door in the owner's face...Lol!). So we'll see where that leads. Also, my sports podcast got it's first sponsor after only 9 shows...Which is pretty freakin' cool.
Finally I had a few interesting conversations tonight. Conversations with people that don't actually exist. I mean they used to exist, but they're not here anymore. The first convo was with 9 year-old Nate. I told him that I was sorry that I wasn't there to protect him. I told him that he didn't do anything wrong. That he was a smart, funny, loving kid that got stuck in a bad situation. I hugged him in my mind. I gave him the hug that I always wanted from my Pops or from my Moms after the abuse occurred. I told him that he turned out okay and that no matter what, I wasn't going to let what happened to him go unnoticed. That I was going to be a better man for him and for myself.
The second convo I had was with my ex, or rather my ex from about 16 months ago. I went back into our Facebook conversations and read some messages from her during our happier times. I smiled & laughed & even cried. Her words back then were so loving & affirming (even to this day). She really did love me. Despite my flaws, despite my job status, despite my height/weight...She really did love me. That was something that I already kinda knew, but it made me feel good re-reading those messages. She may not like me right now...But I know that the woman that wrote those messages still probably has a fond place in her heart & mind for me, all things considered. So I told my "ex" that I was sorry I couldn't be the guy I am now back then. I thanked her for making me feel like the most special man on the planet...And then I had a smoke and watched Blade: Trinity...Lol!
Talking to these "ghosts" was nice & heart-warming & melancholy all at the same time. I weep for that little boy...But there's nothing I can do now to save him. I feel bad that I let that wonderful woman down...But I can't change the past. All I can do is work on myself. Try to heal those scars, try to be honest, and try to be better. Talking to ghosts is cool for a night...But when it's over, I still have to LIVE. I still have to make things right. I still have to be a better man for the Nate that exists right now, and for any woman I may love in the future. I don't know if what I did tonight was good or therapeutic or lame...I just know that it was necessary for me right now. I'm gonna get better & I'm gonna be happy...But I still needed to make peace with those people that aren't able to make this journey with me. It's a sobering thought (I've been drinking, BTW)...But it's also a valuable life-lesson.
So, this morning it finally happened. After weeks and months and even years of being stubborn, I finally did it. I finally forgave myself.
As a Christian I've always understood the concept of forgiveness for others...It's a necessary part of life. You can't hold on to all of the anger & hate & bitterness because of what others have done to you. But I've never really been able to forgive myself. I always felt I should be better than other people, that I shouldn't make the same mistakes or have the same feelings of anger or selfishness as everyone else. This morning something just clicked in my mind and in my heart and I finally was able to say "It's ok, Nate. You're not perfect. You did the best you could. You had the best of intentions...I forgive you.".
Now that doesn't mean that I don't have to take responsibility for my actions...But it does mean that I don't have to beat myself up any longer. Sure I've had jobs that haven't worked out. Sure I've had friendships that have fizzled out. Sure I've had relationships that didn't end the way I wanted them to. But none of that happened because I was a bad guy. It happened because I was unequipped at that time to be the employee or be the friend or be the boyfriend that those situations called for. Do I still feel bad about that stuff...Of course. But there's no value in beating myself up for not performing in situations I didn't know how to deal with yet.
I was playing a basketball video-game the other night & a quote came on the screen that made me chuckle & nod approvingly. It said, "Life is the only teacher that gives you the test first and the lesson later". How fuckin' true is that?!?!? I may have failed those earlier tests in my life...But that doesn't mean that I'm incapable of learning the lessons.
BTW, the video doesn't really have anything to do with my epiphany today...I just like the song & love the video!
So I had my first therapy session on Monday...And it went really well!
Through talking with my therapist I realized that everything that I do to this day is connected to my abuse incident...And it isn't. The abuse isn't completely the reason why I am the way that I am...But it had a huge impact on the man that I am today. My session also shed insight on the relationships that I have with my parents, my sister, my friends & co-workers, and with my ex.
And speaking of my ex...We've decided to go on "Radio Silence"-mode for a few months. I realize now that I was leaning on her way too much for support/strength. And while she was willing to do that because she cares about me, it wasn't really fair to her or even to myself. She needs time to process our break-up & focus on her own life & happiness. And I need to do the same.
I also realized that being smart and taking the proverbial field goal or punting for better field position isn't a sign of weakness or a hallmark of being a punk. The real punk move is going for it on 4th & 25 because of a false sense of bravado. That's what got me to this point, and I'm never doing that again.
So anyways...This is round 1 of the fight of my life. Round 1 of the fight FOR my life. I've got therapy scheduled for twice a month and me & my counselor are really gonna go to work on the issues that have been holding me back my entire life. It's not gonna be easy, but it's worth it. I'M worth it...And I will come out victorious in this fight!
Last Saturday night at around this time I was having arguably the worst night of my life. It was a night filled with mental anguish, self-doubt, extreme loneliness and unbelievable hopelessness. I sank to a deep dark place that I didn't think I could ever climb out of. I did something extremely stupid to end my pain...And it's only by the grace of God that I'm typing this right now.
This Saturday I am still sad...But I'm not hopeless or defeated. I know that last week's dumb decision may have been the action that cost me my life...But because it didn't succeed I now have a chance to make my life the best it can possibly be. I now realize that I'm not worthless. I realize that I don't have to be perfect. I realize that being "single" doesn't mean that I'm alone or that I'm incapable of being loved again. I also realized that life is much harder than I thought...But it can also be more beautiful and rewarding than I ever imagined.
Next week is going to be tough for me. I start therapy, I start getting really real, and I start letting go. My ex said that she would try to call me on Monday so that we can say our "goodbyes" (see you laters? ta-ta for nows?). I hope she decides to call. There's so many things I want to say, and a few questions that I need to ask, but most of all I just want to hear her voice. I want her to tell me that it's going to be alright and that I'm strong enough to go on this journey without her holding my hand. I really love her, and if I had my wish she'd be waiting for me at the summit once I climbed this mountain. But that's not up to me. I can't make this journey all about her. Sure re-uniting with the love of my life as a better man (Nate Version 2.0?) would be a dream come true and a wonderful reward for the hard and frightening work ahead. But life doesn't work like that. Who knows how long this process is going to take. She may have a new boyfriend, or be remarried by then. Hell, even if she's single she may not want to have anything to do with me! So while I love & cherish her and our time together, that can't be my driving force. My driving force has to be me. I have to be healthy & happy. I can't tie all of my self-esteem into whether I have a good job or a nice car or a pretty girl on my arm. It's gotta be about what's inside me.I know that now.
So right now I'm settling into my "base camp". The journey has already started, but the climb begins on Monday. I think I'm ready. This is going to be the hardest, most difficult, most grown-ass man shit I've ever done...But it's worth it. One day I'm going to look back at this period of my life like a bad dream. One day I'm going to be happy and wonder why I was so down all the time. And one day Saturday will be "date night" for my wife & I (whomever she may be), instead of the somber anniversary that it is right now. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I don't know if I really believe that...But I do know that once I'm finished with this process, I'm gonna be one heck of a strong guy! And that thought gives me comfort for today and hope for the future.
You know, the more I think that I've got a handle on this "depression" thing, the more I realize that I have so much more to learn. Today started off with a convo between my ex & myself. Through talking with her I realized that we can't be friends right now...At least not in the way I thought we were going to be. There's a few reasons for this...
1. I still haven't gotten to the point of forgiving myself yet. Right now I'm at the
point where I realize & accept my mistakes, but I haven't forgiven
myself yet and I need to do that if I'm ever going to get better. Unless I truly accept that it's ok to be human and make mistakes (even big ones), then I'm never going to get past our breakup or my abuse or my inadequacy issues or any of the issues that rattle around in my head on a daily basis.
2. I need to be selfish. That doesn't mean I need to be mean or a jerk or an asshole...But it does mean that my #1 focus on a daily basis needs to be my own healing and my own happiness.
3. I need to stop being so damn clingy/needy with my ex! Her involvement or approval in/of my life isn't a requirement of me
getting healthy. I need to focus on me and not
always be thinking about her. Just because we don't talk every single day doesn't mean that she doesn't love me or care about me, or that she's going to forget about me. What it means is that she can't be my crutch right now. It's not healthy for me or fair to her. Basically whatever
relationship/friendship we have or don't have after I go through this is
gonna be what it's gonna be. But I can't make us be friends or make us
be together again right now, and the more I try to hold onto her (out of a sense of guilt or fear or obligation or even love) the more frustrated
she's going to get and eventually I'll drive her away forever. That was
a hard lesson, but one I needed to hear.
After our talk, I received a few more inbox messages from listeners of the wrestling podcast. Their stories encouraged me and reinforced the fact that I'm not alone in this. Sure I have to walk this path on my own and do the work on my own...But there's plenty of people out there that care about me and that are there to lend support when necessary. I learned some valuable lessons today. It's not gonna be easy, but I have to do this if I want to be the healthy, happy, and honest guy I want to be.
So I had a really good day yesterday...Well, most of it. My parents and I went out to dinner and we talked and laughed and had a really nice time as 3 adults...Something that rarely happens. Then we went out for ice-cream and as pathetic as that sounds, it was really sweet (my parent not the ice-cream, although I guess that was sweet too). Then I came home to a flood of Twitter/Facebook messages from lots of listeners to the wrestling podcast I did yesterday. They were so supportive and genuine and real and honest that I kinda got overwhelmed and I went for some beer (first mistake). It's the first time I've touched alcohol since Saturday, and after what happened later it may be my last time for a long while.
So anyways, I get back and I'm writing back & forth with these guys and having a really positive night. So Drunk Nate (Negative Nate's cousin) whispers in my ear "you should check in on her" (second mistake). Apparently she and the new guy split up and I'd done a reasonably good job of staying out of it and just being there to support her for the past two days but something was different last night. It started off really great as I was able to really be there for her. Not only that, I was able to finally get some things off my chest like how I was still in love with her and deep down in the back of my mind I wished that we could get back together once I've gone through my process (even though I KNOW that's a pipe-dream). I also told her how I had never loved any woman as much as I loved her and that maybe one day we could be those Troi-Riker kinda friends. In addition to that I was helping to cheer her up by reminding her how great and special she was and everything seemed cool. We were cool, we were really cool. This was what I had been waiting and hoping and dreaming about all week, "Nate & The Ex...Best Pals"...And then it happened.
I still don't know what happened in those last 45 minutes that were different from the previous 3 and a half hours. Either something in me changed (maybe I was spending too much time trying to "help" her and not enough time listening to her and just letting her be sad), or in her (maybe she realized that even though we still love each other, I'm as much a part of the problem right now as I am a solution), or the situation just is what it is (maybe exes usually aren't friends for a reason). All I know is that I upset her and added to her bad night instead of helping make it better. She said I made it about myself (I'm assuming that just happened in the last 45 minutes) and I don't know how I did that, but maybe she's right. Maybe me & her being friends is really about the guilt I feel for letting her down. She will often throw the fact that I was the one who broke up with her in my face. And while that may be factually true, I don't know if she realizes that that was a choice made out of fear & anger & hurt. Besides, we were going to break up eventually and I'm still glad if it had to end we did it face to face. So am I being nice to her just to make myself feel better? Maybe...I don't think so, but maybe she's right (she usually is). But can't I want to make up for my mistakes AND genuinely want to be her friend at the same time? I don't get this at all.
What I do get is that I ended up making her bad day worse, and that's not ok. What I do know is that after 3 amazing hours of conversation I went through 45 extremely uncomfortable & powerless minutes, and I went to bed confused and unhappy...And that's not ok. What I do know is that I'm still in love with her, and while I can't change my feelings it's not fair to her or me to try to force a friendship while I'm still healing & going through my process. Feelings are funny and tricky. I don't really know how to think or act with anybody right now...Especially her. Maybe my appointment on Monday will help with that...I hope so. I don't know if me & her are ever going to be able to be friends. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to shake this "being in love with her" thing. I just know that I want to be in her life even if it's a small capacity. I want her to feel like she can lean on me like I've leaned on her in the past. I know that if I work out all my bullshit we could probably be pretty cool resources in each other's lives, you know? A good friend of the opposite sex that knows you better than you know yourself. Someone who's seen all your crap and can give you real-talk and real advice on how not to screw up another relationship? That shit sounds pretty sweet to me.
So there's a lot of things swirling around in my head right now. Some thing's I'm sure of , some things I kinda get, and somethings that I have absolutely no clue about. But I do know one thing...Last night I should have stopped talking to her about and hour earlier than I did! That and I probably shouldn't drink anymore for a long while.
Damn! Apparently wisdom comes from many sources...Even comedians. I was surfing Facebook tonight and stumbled across this lil' gem of truth.
"If you've ever wondered why someone behaved in an odd way, 99% of the time it's because they were scared" -- Neal Brennan (Co-Creator of Chappelle's Show).
Is anyone else out there raising their hand besides me?
For as long as I can remember I've always loved professional wrestling. There was always just something about these larger than life characters doing incredibly athletic things that caught my attention as a kid and I still enjoy watching it today.
Tonight I sat down and watched my weekly dose of TNA's Impact Wrestling. I never miss an episode, in part because I do a segment for my friends' podcast...But I'd still be watching even if I wasn't. TNA is a funny company. It's filled with former WCW stars, Ex-WWE Wrestlers, and underused homegrown talent. It's not always a great show...But it's usually interesting and always fun to talk about.
Tonight I recorded my usual segment with my buddies and before we got into the wrestling we talked about my recent issues with depression and my new-found focus on getting real with myself & others. It felt good to talk to friends that have my back and want the best for me. The listeners of the show have also been a great source of support and insight. Some of them have shared personal stories of their battles with feelings of inadequacy and depression. They've also given me tips on how to deal with things that may pop up on my road to healing.
The fact that I have all of these people not just listening to me...But rooting for me makes me glad that I decided to finally take off my mask. In the past I often sought out unhealthy means to get the "love" that I thought I needed. These ways included acting out, putting on a show, and putting on my "hero" cape. It's also one of the reasons I did stupid & hurtful things like still being signed up on a dating site while I was in a committed relationship. I never wanted to be with any of those women, but I did crave their attention and compliments because my family, my friends, and my ex's love and support were never enough for me. As much as they cared about me it didn't matter, because I wasn't happy with myself. Well, I'm working on that and the support of my extended "Internet Family" (especially my fellow wrestling fans) is going a long way towards showing me how good true love & real friendship can actually feel. Who knew healing could come from something as "silly" as Pro Wrasslin'?
So we talked on Facebook for about 3 hours today and she told me that the past two days have been rough for her. At first I wasn't able to hear her because I was still in my own head. I got defensive because she was pointing a finger at me for saying her name on my podcast. Then she said, "it's not about you right now" and something kind of clicked in my mind. After that I was present in the conversation. And I was supportive and empathetic and I tried to help her talk out some of her feelings. Surprisingly enough, I didn't even bad-mouth the new guy!
After we got through talking she thanked me. I wanted to call her and tell her, it's the least I can do...I hurt you so bad and I owe you so much that I will always be there for you. But that would have been too much to throw on her plate right now. It just makes me feel good to know that I can be there for her...And that she allowed me to be there. So often in our relationship (and over the course of my adult life) I tried to be a "hero". I've always been a caring person, but somehow it got twisted in my ego-filled/insecurity-driven/abuse-altered mind that if I "saved" enough people that I could be a good person. Yes I was helping people...But not for the right reasons.
Today wasn't like that. Today I was genuinely there for her. I put my feelings to the side as best I could and we talked, like adults...Like friends. And it felt good. I don't know what's going to happen with her & this guy...And it doesn't matter in terms of my journey. My delusions of being with her again are slowly starting to fade away. I'm still in love with her & I still miss her in the worst way, but I'd rather keep her in my life as a real friend than run her away forever by being an insecure & annoying ex-boyfriend. I don't want to be "that guy". I want to be this guy. And this guy is good enough, especially today. Not because I'm a hero or a good guy...But because I was a friend to someone that was a friend to me. Someone that taught me what it means to be a real friend as an adult. I am so glad that we're on speaking (or at least messaging) terms again after 3 days of not communicating. I know it's still going to be a long process for us to truly become the "Riker & Troi platonic life-partner"-style friends I'd like us to be, but I'm ready to try...And she's slowly starting to accept my trying. And that makes me feel more super than being a fake "hero" ever could!
You know how I desperately wanted my ex to listen to what I said on the podcast and talk to me about it? She finally did...And she is not happy. Apparently she's upset because I used her real name instead of a fake name or simply calling her "My Ex". And apparently she's upset because her new guy found the show, listened to it, and now he's upset (even though I didn't say anything bad about her and I didn't even mention him). But now she's hurt & he's hurt, and she thinks I did it on purpose to screw with their relationship.
Am I angry & hurt & sad & lonely about me & her not being together...Yes. Am I jealous of this new guy and wish I hadn't screwed up my opportunity with my ex...Yes. Does that mean that I would intentionally try to do something to break them up...No. I honestly don't give a damn about him, but I would never ever intentionally do anything to hurt that woman. Not anymore, not ever again. I love her even if that means seeing her with someone else. But she doesn't want to hear that. She's hurt & angry and kinda blaming me and I think she may say that she never wants to speak to me again.
So...I lied and I lost her as a girlfriend. Now I was painfully honest and I'm going to lose her as a friend??? Fuck my life.
No. That last line was "Negative Nate" talking. I can't let her crisis drag me back into the same pool of self-pity and despair that I finally managed to crawl out of. While I love and care for her dearly, I can't bear the weight of her problems and my problems too. As much as it hurts, all I can do is say I'm sorry and hope that the two of them work things out and that her & I can remain friends. But even if that doesn't happen I've still got to continue on my journey. I've still got to continue being honest and continue healing...Even if that means doing it without the realest friend I've ever had.
***Update (11:30am)*** I apologized and explained myself. I think she knows that I meant well. There may be hope for us yet as friends. I'm not sure enough to bet money on it yet...But I think we're going to be ok (at least I hope so).
Is there anything worse than waking up before 10am and the first thing that pops into your head is "I think she was right"? Well there probably is and she definitely was. Over the past few weeks my ex has routinely told me that I was no better or no different than her previous ex-boyfriend. She didn't say that I was as bad as her ex-husband...But that's only because she hates him more than any person/place/thing on the planet!
For time's sake I'm not going to protect her ex-boyfriend's (Michael) or her ex-husband's (Mark) identities. One because those are common names, and two because they're both assholes...And this morning I realized so was I, or more accurately I behaved like one at several points during our relationship. Of course I didn't cheat on her & have outside babies behind her back (like Michael). And I wasn't verbally abusive & maliciously manipulative to her (like Mark). And despite what she may think now, I never delighted in her pain & suffering (like both of those douche-bags did and continue to do). But I did do something just as bad...I lied to her. I sold her a bill of goods. I promised something that I was incapable of delivering. I built her up following her troubles with Michael and Mark...and then I let her down. And perhaps the thing that makes me feel the worst is I made her sad...I made her cry. Me...The guy that was supposed to be her soul-mate, the guy that was supposed to be her "One". I was supposed to be her hero, but I'm no better than those other villains really.
I know she wants Mark to go to Hell. Michael...Maybe Purgatory. As far as I go, I'm not sure. I know she doesn't want me to go to Hell. Maybe she'd put me in Purgatory like Michael (except she'd be nicer to me and leave me with a big screen TV with the NFL package on it!). But I really think if I'm being honest that she'd wish I was in Heaven, just not the nicest part of Heaven. Like she'd want me to make it to Heaven...But live on the Southside of Heaven in the ghetto next to Doubting Thomas and those convicts that make deathbed conversions. But enough of that, lemme get back to the important stuff...
Now my old friend "Negative Nate" would have used this revelation as a baseball bat to continue to beat myself up with...But I'm not going to do that today. I'm going to accept the truth, cry a little bit, go have a cigarette and try to have a productive day. I know she didn't say that I was no better than Michael to hurt me (well...maybe she did a little bit). I now know that she was trying to illustrate how badly my lies had hurt her & let her down. Now I get it. I finally get it...And that makes me want to do better. It's too late for me to do better for her...But I can use this lesson to help me the next time I fall in love with a woman (maybe I'll be ready again in 5 years or so...Lol!).
One thing I hate about the NBA Playoffs is that they always pick some dumb song to be the theme of the playoffs. It's always some over-synthesized pop song that you probably already hear on the radio 25 times during the day. This year they picked "That Power" (I refuse to write it the way it is in the YouTube title) by Will.I.Am & Justin Beiber. I'm not a fan of either of these dudes individually...But collectively they made something that kinda works. Sure it's disposable pop music, but for some reason I kinda dig it.
The lyrics are pretty weak...But I LOVE the chorus (for reasons that should be painfully obvious). I'm not going to buy the CD or even the single on iTunes. But I will play this video over and over and over again when I start to feel down, because it makes me dance in my chair like a damn fool! I know it's not a great song, but for whatever reason it makes me happy. And I'll take all the happy moments I can get right now...Even if it comes from two jabronies like this!
I only looked at her Facebook page 3 times today. That may make me sound like a creep or a stalker...But it's a lot better than yesterday (7 times) and the day before (somewhere in the high teens/low 20's). My nights are always a lot harder than my days because during the day I can distract myself a bit more. But at night I find myself sitting in front of the computer or the TV wishing that she would call. The bad thing is I KNOW she's not gonna call...But for some reason I can't shake the need/want to talk to her. "Negative Nate" tried to convince me earlier that she doesn't care about me or what I'm going through. That she's off frolicking away in her new happy life laughing about me to her friends. But I know that's not the case, so I told Negative Nate to "GTFO ASAP" (one of her favorite sayings). I know that she does care about me and my struggle...But she's got her own struggles to deal with on her end. While I'd love it if she would message me or call me tonight, that's an unrealistic dream that can only lead to more self-defeating thoughts if I let it. She'll contact me when she's ready. And the hard truth is she may not be ready for a while...If ever. And that hurts. As I'm typing this, I'm actually trying to send her a psychic message...Lol! Oh, I forgot to mention she's psychic (which makes it even more stupid that I lied to her). At first I didn't believe her, but over the past year and a half she made me a believer. And I know that even if we never speak to each other again, we're always going to have a connection. And that at least makes a bit of the hurt go away.
And even as lonely as I feel right now, I'm still in a fairly good place. I've got a few things going for me. My buddy Marcus is going to give me his laptop (for FREE!). My relationship with Moms took a small step forward tonight. And even though my therapy session got bumped to Monday (and it's going to cost $130!!!), I'm finally ready to talk this stuff out with a professional. So little by little things are getting better for me...Plus I only looked at her Facebook page 3 times today!
So...I was having a pretty positive night. And then
"he" showed up. "Negative Nate" reared his ugly head. See, my ex &
I talked on the phone almost every day for a year & a
half...Mostly late at night (partly because I worked nights and slept
all day, and partly because it always felt safer for me to talk at night
because I could be drunk and/or high). Well tonight after all of this
positive stuff, that negative part of me was like "You haven't heard
from her all day...You should message her". Fortunately I resisted that
urge and decided to safeguard myself by archiving her messages. But in
the process of setting her messages to archive-mode, I spent nearly an
hour re-reading old messages. Some good, some bad (especially the
recent ones), some that made me laugh...And a lot that made me feel like
crying. Well after about an hour of that I had to stop myself and try
to figure out what was really going on. Yes it's ok to miss her...But
it's not ok to try to bury myself in the rubble of our failed
relationship. It makes no sense to wallow in self-pity or become a martyr for something that is
already dead & gone forever. That's what got me into trouble last weekend & I'll
be damned if I'm going to go back to that place. Not now...Not ever
again.
So after realizing what I was doing, I analyzed the
current state of our friendship and I realized that we both have a ways
to go before we can truly be the great life-long friends that I want us
to be. I think she has to get past not being able to hear my voice
because I desperately want to talk to her on the phone again...Or at
least have her listen to what I said on the podcast (I sent it to her,
but I doubt she's listened to it). And for me, I have to get past the
pain of seeing her with another guy. I think she desperately needs for
me to be able to share in her
new-found post-Nate happiness and in the excitement of her new relationship. And
in most of my heart I really want her to be happy and I can accept her
being with another man. But there's still a part of my heart that can't
quite deal with that yet. So yesterday before I did the podcast I
asked her if we could put up some parameters and she was cool with it.
But after the show she was super excited about this new dude passing one
of her "tests" and she was so excited to tell me about it. I wanted to
be there for her, but I just couldn't be. The rational part of me was
like, that's cool Kitten...As long as he makes you happy. But the
Negative Nate, that part of me that is filled with pain and bitterness
and jealousy and feelings of inadequacy was upset that she was giving
this dude so much credit for agreeing to take her to a museum. That's
something that I would have gladly done...And she knows that. I started
to pull away from the conversation because I felt hurt and also because
I felt that she broke our parameters agreement. Then she started to
pull away because I pulled away and we probably both went to bed with
sore feelings. But you know what? Even though I'm not wrong for being
upset that she over-stepped the pre-arranged boundaries of our
conversation, I am wrong for being upset that she heaped praise on this
guy for passing a relatively minor test. The fact is, even though I
would have gladly taken her to the zoo, the museum, the library, the
botanical gardens, or anywhere she wanted to go...That wasn't my test to
take. I had my test 7 weeks ago...And I failed it with flying colors.
I had my shot, and unfortunately I blew it. The Nate that's typing
this would have risen to the occasion and we'd probably still be
together right now...But I was at a different place back then. And
that's a hard fact to face. It sucks that I wasn't equipped to be there
for her or for her kids. It sucks that I let her down. It sucks that I
made her cry. It sucks that the guy who showed her that she was
special and needed to take care of herself more ended up being ordinary
and unable to take care of anything.
But I guess there are
lessons to be learned from tonight. First of all, I now know that there
are people ready and willing to be there for me if I allow myself to be
real with them. Second, I really do have a great family and I've
probably frustrated them to no end with my decision-making over the
years. But at least now they know I'm putting in the work to become a
better man. And finally I realized that getting over my ex is going to be the hardest part of this whole authenticity deal. There's so many
emotions wrapped up in the way I feel about her and trying to pick out
just one (like being happy for her) ends up creating some Jenga-like
tumble of another emotion (like loneliness). The good news is that I'm
on the road to fixing that. The bad news? That I'm not there
tonight.
Tonight was a pretty interesting night. It started with a phone call from a friend named John. We've always been cool with each other, but like most of my friends I never really was real with him. Well tonight we had a 10 minute phone conversation that was very positive. He told me that he heard my podcast and that he was proud of me for coming out & being honest. He said that he & a mutual friend of ours were there if I ever needed to talk. I told him that it was hard for me to accept help & support from others, but that I was going to start therapy on Thursday (Yay!) and that his support meant a lot to me.
Then I got 3.messages in my Facebook inbox from people that had heard my podcast/read this blog and they told me that I was not alone and that they were rooting for me. Then I had the much-dreaded talk with my sister. I had sent her the clip from the podcast as a primer for her (and so that I didn't have to actually tell my little sister in words what was going on). Unfortunately she wasn't able to listen to it before she called and I had to let her know everything. I told her about the sexual abuse in my past (I'll probably talk about that sometime in the future, but I'm not there yet), I told her about my depression since I've been back from Canada, and I told her about what I did on Saturday night. She was stunned, but she was supportive. She told me that she loved me and that she was glad I was getting some help and glad I was able to be honest with her. This is probably only the second real adult conversation that I've ever had with my sister (the first being when she asked me why it didn't work out with my ex). So that went pretty well. Then I sent my dad an e-mail including a link to this page and let him know that we would talk about it when he was ready. He's driving me to my Therapy appointment this week. He was very supportive when I first told him about my sexual abuse 4 weeks ago, and I think we've had a much better relationship since I've been back. He's the same old great dad I've always had...But I'm finally starting to let him in and finally being real with him. So Pops is on board the Healing-Train. The only person left is Moms, but I think I may wait until later this week to tell her. I love my mother to death, but she can be intimidating at times. It occurred to me just now while typing this that one of the problems I had with my ex was that I'm non-assertive and passive-aggressive while at times she could be overbearing and a bit of a bully. In reality my relationship with her in terms of being open & honest really wasn't that much different than my relationship with Moms (doesn't it always come back to mommy-issues).
So far, so good...Not quite.
I got a visit from a constant companion of mine a few hours later.
For those of you that don't know me, the thing I love doing the most in this world is broadcasting. I've been involved in some form of radio or television broadcasting for over 15 years. I've won awards, received praise from the local press, and even done work in Japan & Canada.
My current passion/pastime/project is a podcast called "The Kings Of Sport" (www.thekingsofsport.com). I do the show along with my co-hosts Marcus Vanderberg of Yahoo Sports & Alfred Konuwa of Bleacher Report. We're on episode #7 and it took that long for me to finally get real.
On last night's show I talked about my very dark weekend that ended with a "suicide" attempt. I don't really know if I was trying to end my life that night, but I do know that I wanted the pain to stop. I do know that I wanted to go to sleep and I didn't really care if I woke up or not. I do know that I missed my ex-girlfriend terribly and that I felt she had lost faith in me and abandoned me. I do know that I was angry at her friends who thought I was a loser and joked that I should "just go kill myself and die". I do know that I was scared, and hurt, and frustrated, and lonely, and that I had lost all hope. I'm not saying what I did that night was right (I know that it was wrong, stupid, and selfish of me)...I'm just saying how I felt and what state of mind I was in.
Well, when I woke up that next morning I had tears on my face and I felt numb and out of sorts (probably from the nine beers and the handful of pain pills that I had taken before I went to bed). And when I was finally able to make it downstairs I called a good buddy of mine's wife and we talked for about an hour. Then I went online and my ex-girlfriend contacted me and we messaged each other off and on for the next 14 hours. I admitted my faults & mistakes, and she admitted hers. I said that I was stupid & selfish & wrong for what I did the night before, and she said that she was wrong for thinking that I would ever cheat on her. Then we got really-real. She tore me down and built me back up. She taught me many hard lessons about myself (many of which can be seen on my Twitter page @N8Mozaik). She told me that she still loved me (even though I think she's no longer IN love with me) and that she prays for me often. I told her that I still loved her too (FTR, I think I am still IN love with her) and I wanted her to be happy, even if she had to be happy without me. We made peace and became friends...Real friends. And it felt good. We're not all the way there yet, she still can't quite bear to hear my voice & I really can't bear to hear about the new guy she's dating...But we'll get there eventually.
Then, I went on the podcast and was honest with my co-hosts, the listeners, and myself for maybe the first time in my life. You can check out what I said in the video, and I meant every word of it. Today I sent that clip to my sister and we're going to talk later tonight. I also made an appointment with a therapist, so I got that goin' for me...Which is nice. So that's where I stand right now. I'm not really feeling good, but I'm not feeling bad and hopeless either. I'm just ok. And ok is an alright place to be right now.
Hello.
My name is Nathaniel William-Payne Milton and I am a human being.
This is my first ever attempt at a blog, and I don't really know what I want to accomplish through this other than to tell my story. I want to express my feelings (both good & bad) in a reasonably safe place. I want to use this blog to analyze and explain and understand and uncover the true me. I'm 35 years old and for 25 of those years I didn't know who the true me was. Maybe I still don't...But at least now I think I'm on the right path to discovering who that true me is. That path is a scary and daunting and hard road that I've always avoided going down until recently (like until 72 hours ago). That's why I named this blog "The Road Less Traveled". I know that's a played-out and uncool reference...Lol! But I'm through trying to be cool. I'm through trying to be good. I'm ready to start being real.
I don't know who if anyone is going to read this. Maybe it will be a family member, maybe a friend, maybe an ex-girlfriend, or a current/former employer...Maybe the only person that will read this thing is a future version of me as I reflect on this journey. I don't know, and I really don't care. What I do care about is being happy. What I do care about is feeling loved and having the capacity to truly love myself and others. And hopefully this blog helps me with that. I don't know how often I will post, but I do know that it feels good to have another tool to try to work out some of my feelings.
One thing I learned recently is that being sad or angry or selfish doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human. So on this blog you may see me get angry or sad or profane or even petty at times. But that's ok because as long as I don't act out on those feelings I'll be fine. It's ok because everyone hurts and we all have to deal with these very real feelings in different ways. It's ok because it's a part of my journey towards being happy. But most of all it's ok because I'm ok. And I'm alright. And I'm learning to accept who I really am.
And who I am is a guy named Nathaniel William-Payne Milton...And I am a human being.
