Wow...What just happened?!?
After 3 months of riding a roller-coaster of emotions with my ex she just hit me up and said she never wanted to talk to me again...Via a Facebook message. No call or nothing. Just, "Enjoy your life Nate...I'm out". Damn.
She says I have an ego problem (which I've admitted...and which she's known about for almost two years). But despite knowing that I'm a Leo (so is she, BTW)...She finally came at me today by saying I affect her day too much (Does she not know how much SHE affects every single waking moment of my life???). So she's done. She's never going to speak to me again. After being blindsided by her message, I stumbled to the store to buy some smokes (and fought back tears every step of the way). I couldn't comprehend why this was happening, and why was it happening today? What set her off, what did I do wrong?
Then it hit me, sure I may have an ego issue...But I've done nothing wrong in terms of our communication lately. I've been completely honest with her. She may not have liked my truth (I think the word she used to describe me & my feelings was "dumb"), but it's not my job to make sure people accept my truth in a good fashion. All I can do is be real with her. So I lost her the first time because I lied. And now I've lost her forever because I was honest with her. It sucks, but all I can do is be truthful. If she cannot or will not accept my honesty, then I guess it is what it is. It hurts like hell and I actually considered ending it all (yeah I know, again), but THAT would be dumb. I have to do what's best for Nate even if the most important person in my life has seemingly given up on me.
Which brings us back to this blog. I know it kind of disappeared without fanfare a couple of months ago (mainly because my ex had a problem with it and I took it down because I wanted to make her happy)...But now that she's out of my life, I may as well bring it back. It's a great tool for me to process my thoughts and a good way to vent without doing harm to myself or others.
So...What's the big take-away from today? I think my ex is nuts...And so am I...And so is everyone else trying to make it in this world. We made each other very happy for a year and a half. And we've driven each other crazy for the past 4 months. I don't think it's good that we affect each other so much. Maybe it means we really do love each other, or maybe it means we should go our separate ways & never speak again. All I know is that this is a fucked up way to start a weekend, but it maybe the kick in the ass I need to really focus on my healing.
I need to concentrate on becoming the best Nate I can be. Now that may sound egotistical & selfish...But as a good (ex)friend once told me, "You need to be selfish right now, babe". Well Red, looks like I'm finally listening to you! Take care of yourself. You've helped make me a better man. I will always love you and "our" kids. Hopefully one day we can both look back on our time together with a sense of fondness. We've been drinking from each other's cups for a while now...Maybe it's wise that we take some time to sober up. </3
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