So...It finally happened. It may not have happened in the way I imagined it, or the way I would have wanted it to. But it happened. I am no longer IN love with my ex!!! I mean I still love her (that may never go away)...But my desire to be with her again is probably dead & gone forever (or at least greatly diminished).
Let me set the scene. The last two nights have been really rough for some reason. I was really missing her & "us". I felt that I'm on my way to becoming a better man...The man that she wants & needs. She's been through too many bad relationships and I really wanted to be the guy that finally made her complete. It seemed like anytime my brain got some free time, my thoughts immediately went to her. I would close my eyes and imagine holding her one more time. Kissing her on her forehead, stroking her hair, telling her that she was the most beautiful and funny and intelligent woman in the world. That I finally started getting real and I was back to make her as happy as she could ever dream of being. Now, intellectually I knew that those thoughts weren't healthy...But the heart wants what the heart wants. So after praying & exercising, & working on my podcast, I decided to get drunk to drown out the visions of my ex that were dancing in my head. Well that was like pouring gasoline on a damn campfire...Lol!
Before you know it, I had gone and done the unthinkable...I sent her a message on Facebook (I know, right?)! It was a bad idea, but I didn't know where else to turn. The first week without her was relatively easy...But the last two nights were unbearable. It was like I had all this built-up pressure and I had to break the emergency glass and release that pressure. Well anyways, she contacted me tonight and she was pretty nice and cordial...But she was also very distant and super-detached. This was the woman who wanted to marry me 3 months ago? This was the woman that wanted to get back together 2 months ago?? This was the woman that told me a month ago that she loved & cared about me and would do anything to make me feel better??? I don't know what happened to that woman...But this chick tonight was someone completely different.
But you know what...She ended up helping me after all. I don't know if she planned it (she is fairly brilliant), or if it was just another one of the happy coincidences/divine interventions that defined our relationship...But it worked. Her words hit me like a slap in the face and they made me livid! I have never been so angry with her. I went to my e-mail account and wrote her a scathing letter that I'll never send (a trick she taught me), and then I worked out for an hour. After a while the anger started to fade, and all that was left was a fire in my belly. I finally have the motivation & desire needed to do this without a woman who was such a big part of my world. I'll always have a place in my heart for her. But if she (or anyone else) isn't ready to be a part of "Team Nate" and be a friend/ally/supporter to me during this process, they can kiss my shrinking-by-the-day Black ass...Lol! I'm a good man. And in 9 months or 16 months or however long this process takes, I'm gonna be a great man. Maybe she'll get to meet that great man one day (I'd really like that)...Maybe she won't. Either way, I've got to really focus on Nate's needs. I'm done trying to please others. I'm finally ready to start being a warrior. And I'm not fighting for money, or fame, or for a woman...I'm fighting for myself. It sucks that someone I adored so much apparently thinks so little of me...But in her own roundabout way she gave me a great gift tonight. She gave me license to truly be self-centered and focus on my healing. It's all about me right now. It's a new day...And after 25 years of wallowing, I'm finally ready to get out there and start living!
BTW - I LOVE this song, but what the hell is up with this video?!?
***Update***
We had a pretty good conversation about 3 hours after I posted this. She actually told me that occasionally she misses me. My mind is blown. And while that revelation changes my earlier thoughts about her...It doesn't change the fact that I need to be fully invested in the business of improving my mental health and becoming a more open & honest person. She's a great girl who deserves great things. And in my perfect world, I'd be the guy to help provide her those great things. But this is the real world. And in the real world she's gotta take care of her, I've gotta take care of me...And everything else will work out the way it's supposed to.
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