Alright Universe, I Got It...Damn!

I just saw on Pardon The Interruption that today is "National Honesty Day".

I am laughing right now with tears in my eyes at this.  I believe in God & fate & destiny & all that good stuff.  But National Honesty Day...Really? 

That's some ol' bullshit right there...Lol!

It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn

For those of you that don't know me, the thing I love doing the most in this world is broadcasting.  I've been involved in some form of radio or television broadcasting for over 15 years.  I've won awards, received praise from the local press, and even done work in Japan & Canada.

My current passion/pastime/project is a podcast called "The Kings Of Sport" (www.thekingsofsport.com).  I do the show along with my co-hosts Marcus Vanderberg of Yahoo Sports & Alfred Konuwa of Bleacher Report.  We're on episode #7 and it took that long for me to finally get real.

On last night's show I talked about my very dark weekend that ended with a "suicide" attempt.  I don't really know if I was trying to end my life that night, but I do know that I wanted the pain to stop.  I do know that I wanted to go to sleep and I didn't really care if I woke up or not.  I do know that I missed my ex-girlfriend terribly and that I felt she had lost faith in me and abandoned me.  I do know that I was angry at her friends who thought I was a loser and joked that I should "just go kill myself and die".  I do know that I was scared, and hurt, and frustrated, and lonely, and that I had lost all hope.  I'm not saying what I did that night was right (I know that it was wrong, stupid, and selfish of me)...I'm just saying how I felt and what state of mind I was in.

Well, when I woke up that next morning I had tears on my face and I felt numb and out of sorts (probably from the nine beers and the handful of pain pills that I had taken before I went to bed).  And when I was finally able to make it downstairs I called a good buddy of mine's wife and we talked for about an hour.  Then I went online and my ex-girlfriend contacted me and we messaged each other off and on for the next 14 hours.  I admitted my faults & mistakes, and she admitted hers.  I said that I was stupid & selfish & wrong for what I did the night before, and she said that she was wrong for thinking that I would ever cheat on her.  Then we got really-real.  She tore me down and built me back up.  She taught me many hard lessons about myself (many of which can be seen on my Twitter page @N8Mozaik).  She told me that she still loved me (even though I think she's no longer IN love with me) and that she prays for me often.  I told her that I still loved her too (FTR, I think I am still IN love with her) and I wanted her to be happy, even if she had to be happy without me.  We made peace and became friends...Real friends.  And it felt good.  We're not all the way there yet, she still can't quite bear to hear my voice & I really can't bear to hear about the new guy she's dating...But we'll get there eventually.

Then, I went on the podcast and was honest with my co-hosts, the listeners, and myself for maybe the first time in my life.  You can check out what I said in the video, and I meant every word of it.  Today I sent that clip to my sister and we're going to talk later tonight.  I also made an appointment with a therapist, so I got that goin' for me...Which is nice.  So that's where I stand right now.  I'm not really feeling good, but I'm not feeling bad and hopeless either.  I'm just ok.  And ok is an alright place to be right now.

The First Step

Hello.
My name is Nathaniel William-Payne Milton and I am a human being.

This is my first ever attempt at a blog, and I don't really know what I want to accomplish through this other than to tell my story.  I want to express my feelings (both good & bad) in a reasonably safe place.  I want to use this blog to analyze and explain and understand and uncover the true me.  I'm 35 years old and for 25 of those years I didn't know who the true me was.  Maybe I still don't...But at least now I think I'm on the right path to discovering who that true me is.  That path is a scary and daunting and hard road that I've always avoided going down until recently (like until 72 hours ago).  That's why I named this blog "The Road Less Traveled".  I know that's a played-out and uncool reference...Lol!  But I'm through trying to be cool.  I'm through trying to be good.  I'm ready to start being real.

I don't know who if anyone is going to read this.  Maybe it will be a family member, maybe a friend, maybe an ex-girlfriend, or a current/former employer...Maybe the only person that will read this thing is a future version of me as I reflect on this journey.  I don't know, and I really don't care.  What I do care about is being happy.  What I do care about is feeling loved and having the capacity to truly love myself and others.  And hopefully this blog helps me with that.  I don't know how often I will post, but I do know that it feels good to have another tool to try to work out some of my feelings.

One thing I learned recently is that being sad or angry or selfish doesn't make me a bad person.  It makes me human.  So on this blog you may see me get angry or sad or profane or even petty at times.  But that's ok because as long as I don't act out on those feelings I'll be fine.  It's ok because everyone hurts and we all have to deal with these very real feelings in different ways.  It's ok because it's a part of my journey towards being happy.  But most of all it's ok because I'm ok.  And I'm alright.  And I'm learning to accept who I really am.

And who I am is a guy named Nathaniel William-Payne Milton...And I am a human being.