I've always liked this scene from "The Wiz" (the Black adaptation of "The Wizard Of Oz" for those not in the know). A young Michael Jackson plays The Scarecrow. Unlike the original movie, Jackson's Scarecrow isn't so much dumb, but negative, naive, and besieged by his eternal enemies (some ghetto crow-people...Yeah, this movie got made somehow!). Well, around this time 4 months ago this was pretty close to how I felt. I was about as low as I've ever been. I felt powerless & paranoid. Surrounded by enemies (both real & imagined), betrayed by friends, and attacked by my own negative thoughts. It was like a sick game that my mind would play with my heart. Frequently I would diminish the good things in my life or the praise I got from my family, friends, and co-workers. It was nice to hear...But to my broken psyche they were hollow words that couldn't fill the hole in my soul. Instead my mind would reject the positivity and instead absorb all of the negative things in my life and use them as ammunition to attack myself and continue the same vicious cycle that I had ben repeating for the past 25 years.
But now with a few months of perspective and clarity under my belt; I know that everything really does happen for a reason. Everyone goes through hard times, the important thing -What defines our character - is how you respond. I can honestly say for most of my life I didn't handle adversity well. I usually kept everything inside and tried to drink and/or smoke the pain away. It was effective to some degree, but ultimately nothing got solved by doing that. Today I'm smarter, stronger, and healthier (mentally & physically) than I've ever been. I've taken my fair share of hits, but I'm working hard to no longer let those losses define me. I realize that I CAN win (or at least break even)...And I've finally checked myself out of the game.
They say it's always darkest before the dawn...And maybe they're right. I don't know what life has in store for me, but I know that I have better days ahead. Onward & Upward...I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!
Welp...Another year, another birthday. What does it all mean (besides being another year closer to the grave)? 35 was an interesting year for me. It was filled with ups & downs, great revelations, devastating losses, and a lateral career move (Literally...No BS. My new job is right across the parking lot from my old one!). One of the things my Pops always recommends is taking stock in your life, and he's partial to Pro/Con lists. So as I turn 36 (4 years away from 40...I'm almost officially 'The Old Man In The Club'...Lol!), here's where I see myself after the events of the past 365 days.
Cons:
1.) My Carer Path - Another year came & went with little forward momentum on the job front. Other than my seasonal television work, the only other forms of employment I had last year were all of the fast food variety. At this point in my life, I should be beyond this. That's not to say that there's anything wrong with the food service industry. It's an honest day's work for an honest day's pay (granted the pay is super-low, but low-money's better than no money!), and in this economy simply having a job is a blessing. But with my experience I should be doing better. Thankfully I think I finally got the kick in the butt I needed to stop selling myself short. Yes I've got to work fast food for the time being until I can get back on my feet...But I truly feel like 36 will be the year that changes the course of my career path for good.
2.) My Ontario Odyssey - Hoo-boy, where do I start? This was perhaps the most emotionally & financially draining venture of my life! While there were some positives that came out of the move (I'll get to that later), for the most part it was a huge gamble that didn't pay off. Not only did I lose the love of my life and let down three people that I cared deeply for, not only did I lose some respect in the eyes of my parents, not only did I have to come back to America with my tail tucked in-between my legs...But it all happened so suddenly & without warning. My ex & I had been planning this dream life for 18 months, and it only took 5 weeks to destroy it! One of the biggest regrets of my life. What makes it even more painful is that we're not even friends anymore. You're talking about two people that were inseparable for nearly two years and then one day out of the blue we just stopped speaking. I guess all things happen for a reason, and maybe she was never meant to be "The One". As much as it hurts to say, maybe she was just placed in my life to lead me to the point where I could admit my abuse & then - her mission accomplished - she ascended back to whatever cotton candy-filled cloud she came down from in the first place...I was totally kidding about that last part. Clouds aren't made of cotton candy...They're made from marshmallows (everybody knows that!). But I guess I'd sum up my experience in the Great White North with the words of Ghandi (or Dave Chappelle quoting Ghandi), "When you lose, don't lose the lesson".
Pros:
1.) My Weight Loss - For most of the year, my weight hovered at or above 250 pounds. I tried to work out, but stress at work + late hours + the general unhappiness of my life equaled a sad fat man. I finally started working out in earnest about 3 months ago and I sit here this afternoon at a svelte 230 lbs! My goal is to be under 200 by the end of the year. I haven't been this motivated to work out in a long time and along with the health benefits, it's actually providing a slight boost to my self-esteem (which is always nice)!
2.) Finally Admitting My Abuse - The incident that re-wired my brain and changed the course of my life has always been like this anchor that has dragged down every aspect of my life. The worst part about it was that I didn't even know it was affecting me. That changed one night during an argument with my ex where she finally got me to admit what happened to me 26 years ago. Finally admitting that has been a blessing & a curse. It's really great that I've been able to let go of this secret and start working towards living a healthy & happy life...But this stuff is way harder than I ever imagined it would be! It's bad enough my abuse has cost me jobs, friendships, and the love of my life...But having to dig back through my past in therapy is really painful. I know it's part of the healing process, but this is like pouring a bottle of Bactine in an open wound (my 30+ crowd will get the Bactine reference...lol!). But I guess you've got to go through it to get to it.
3.) Lessons Learned From Canada - Even though it ended terribly, my relationship with my ex/my brief time in Canada did provide me with a lot of positive moments and lessons over the past year. I've never been in a relationship that's lasted over 3 months, so not only did I smash my personal best...But I learned that being in a loving, committed relationship can be very rewarding. I also learned that I can be in a relationship with a smart/pretty/funny/caring woman and I'm good enough for her just by being me. I don't have to always try so hard to be funny or charming or cool...Silly-ass Nate is worthy of love just by virtue of being myself. I also learned that honesty is always the best policy. Even if you lose the girl by being honest, it's better than lying. Besides, if your love is real the truth can only strengthen it.
I also learned that I don't have to stay in Virginia for the rest of my life. I've always had this notion in my head that I was never good enough to make it anywhere else...That if I left the confines of the Commonwealth terrible no-good very bad things would happen to me. Not only did I leave Virginia...I left the whole doggone country! I made 4 international flights last year, I got a passport, I dealt with customs, I KILLED it on TSN Radio, I left the safety net that I had built down here and chased after a dream and nothing bad happened to me (other than the whole losing my soulmate forever thing, but I digress)! The important thing is that now I have the knowledge & confidence to leave Virginia in order to make one last pursuit of my career goals. I don't know where I'll go once I get back on my feet...LA, Charlotte, Atlanta, who knows. What I do know is that I'm talented enough to succeed if I come up with a smart game-plan, stop being afraid, and go after my dream job!
The last positive lesson that I learned from Canada is that I'm worthy of happiness. For so long I've felt unworthy of love & happiness. My interactions with Canada showed me that I'm a smart, funny, talented, caring, loyal dude that is deserving of love, deserving of career success, and deserving of happiness...I just gotta be honest, be brave, and be myself!
4.) My Podcast - I love it! Not only does it provide me with a weekly stress-reliever, not only is it slowly but surely starting to gain an audience, but it's also introduced me to two really cool cats that I can honestly call friends. I'm not used to having real friends. I've always been more of an acquaintance-hoarder...But creating genuine friendships has been super hard for me. Now that my ex is out of the picture, I can count the number of true "flesh & blood" friends I have on one hand...That's kind of a sad statistic, but I'm thankful for their camaraderie & companionship. If it weren't for them, this whole re-adjusting to America process would have driven me crazy (crazier...Lol!).
So...What have I learned from the past year?
I learned that life is way harder, but also way more beautiful than I ever knew it could be. I learned that being in love is kinda amazing & losing love really sucks...But neither one is a matter of life & death. I learned that taking chances can be fun. I learned that I sell myself way too short. I learned that my past doesn't have to define my future. I learned that win, lose, or draw, the Sun always rises. And finally, I learned that no matter what you do time keeps on moving forward. No matter how much I think about the past or look forward to the future...I've got to live in the present. I've got to be fully immersed in the now if I truly want to get the most out of my life. So goodbye 35...Thanks for the memories & the lessons. 36...Bring it on!
