Deus "EX" Machina

So...It finally happened.  It may not have happened in the way I imagined it, or the way I would have wanted it to.  But it happened.  I am no longer IN love with my ex!!!  I mean I still love her (that may never go away)...But my desire to be with her again is probably dead & gone forever (or at least greatly diminished). 

Let me set the scene.  The last two nights have been really rough for some reason.  I was really missing her & "us".  I felt that I'm on my way to becoming a better man...The man that she wants & needs.  She's been through too many bad relationships and I really wanted to be the guy that finally made her complete.  It seemed like anytime my brain got some free time, my thoughts immediately went to her.  I would close my eyes and imagine holding her one more time.  Kissing her on her forehead, stroking her hair, telling her that she was the most beautiful and funny and intelligent woman in the world.  That I finally started getting real and I was back to make her as happy as she could ever dream of being.  Now, intellectually I knew that those thoughts weren't healthy...But the heart wants what the heart wants.  So after praying & exercising, & working on my podcast, I decided to get drunk to drown out the visions of my ex that were dancing in my head.  Well that was like pouring gasoline on a damn campfire...Lol!

Before you know it, I had gone and done the unthinkable...I sent her a message on Facebook (I know, right?)!  It was a bad idea, but I didn't know where else to turn. The first week without her was relatively easy...But the last two nights were unbearable. It was like I had all this built-up pressure and I had to break the emergency glass and release that pressure.  Well anyways, she contacted me tonight and she was pretty nice and cordial...But she was also very distant and super-detached.  This was the woman who wanted to marry me 3 months ago?  This was the woman that wanted to get back together 2 months ago??  This was the woman that told me a month ago that she loved & cared about me and would do anything to make me feel better???  I don't know what happened to that woman...But this chick tonight was someone completely different.

But you know what...She ended up helping me after all.  I don't know if she planned it (she is fairly brilliant), or if it was just another one of the happy coincidences/divine interventions that defined our relationship...But it worked.  Her words hit me like a slap in the face and they made me livid!  I have never been so angry with her.  I went to my e-mail account and wrote her a scathing letter that I'll never send (a trick she taught me), and then I worked out for an hour.  After a while the anger started to fade, and all that was left was a fire in my belly.  I finally have the motivation & desire needed to do this without a woman who was such a big part of my world.  I'll always have a place in my heart for her. But if she (or anyone else) isn't ready to be a part of "Team Nate" and be a friend/ally/supporter to me during this process, they can kiss my shrinking-by-the-day Black ass...Lol!  I'm a good man.  And in 9 months or 16 months or however long this process takes, I'm gonna be a great man.  Maybe she'll get to meet that great man one day (I'd really like that)...Maybe she won't.  Either way, I've got to really focus on Nate's needs.  I'm done trying to please others.  I'm finally ready to start being a warrior.  And I'm not fighting for money, or fame, or for a woman...I'm fighting for myself.  It sucks that someone I adored so much apparently thinks so little of me...But in her own roundabout way she gave me a great gift tonight.  She gave me license to truly be self-centered and focus on my healing.  It's all about me right now.  It's a new day...And after 25 years of wallowing, I'm finally ready to get out there and start living!

BTW - I LOVE this song, but what the hell is up with this video?!?

***Update***

We had a pretty good conversation about 3 hours after I posted this.  She actually told me that occasionally she misses me.  My mind is blown.  And while that revelation changes my earlier thoughts about her...It doesn't change the fact that I need to be fully invested in the business of improving my mental health and becoming a more open & honest person.  She's a great girl who deserves great things.  And in my perfect world, I'd be the guy to help provide her those great things.  But this is the real world.  And in the real world she's gotta take care of her, I've gotta take care of me...And everything else will work out the way it's supposed to. 

Talking To Ghosts

So...The past couple of days have been interesting.
First of all, I've been exercising more.  Tonight marked the 12th consecutive day that I've worked out for at least 20 minutes a day.  Now that may not sound like much, but it's actually a pretty big step for me.  I think I've probably lost at least 7 pounds (I don't own a scale)...But my body is slowly starting to look better (either that or my self-esteem/image is improving).  I've also been hot on the trail of a new job.  I walked down to a local restaurant today and turned in my resume (after apparently slamming the door in the owner's face...Lol!).  So we'll see where that leads.  Also, my sports podcast got it's first sponsor after only 9 shows...Which is pretty freakin' cool.

Finally I had a few interesting conversations tonight.  Conversations with people that don't actually exist.  I mean they used to exist, but they're not here anymore.  The first convo was with 9 year-old Nate.  I told him that I was sorry that I wasn't there to protect him.  I told him that he didn't do anything wrong.  That he was a smart, funny, loving kid that got stuck in a bad situation.  I hugged him in my mind.  I gave him the hug that I always wanted from my Pops or from my Moms after the abuse occurred.  I told him that he turned out okay and that no matter what, I wasn't going to let what happened to him go unnoticed.  That I was going to be a better man for him and for myself. 

The second convo I had was with my ex, or rather my ex from about 16 months ago.  I went back into our Facebook conversations and read some messages from her during our happier times.  I smiled & laughed & even cried.  Her words back then were so loving & affirming (even to this day).  She really did love me.  Despite my flaws, despite my job status, despite my height/weight...She really did love me.  That was something that I already kinda knew, but it made me feel good re-reading those messages.  She may not like me right now...But I know that the woman that wrote those messages still probably has a fond place in her heart & mind for me, all things considered.  So I told my "ex" that I was sorry I couldn't be the guy I am now back then.  I thanked her for making me feel like the most special man on the planet...And then I had a smoke and watched Blade: Trinity...Lol!

Talking to these "ghosts" was nice & heart-warming & melancholy all at the same time.  I weep for that little boy...But there's nothing I can do now to save him.  I feel bad that I let that wonderful woman down...But I can't change the past.  All I can do is work on myself.  Try to heal those scars, try to be honest, and try to be better.  Talking to ghosts is cool for a night...But when it's over, I still have to LIVE.  I still have to make things right.  I still have to be a better man for the Nate that exists right now, and for any woman I may love in the future.  I don't know if what I did tonight was good or therapeutic or lame...I just know that it was necessary for me right now.  I'm gonna get better & I'm gonna be happy...But I still needed to make peace with those people that aren't able to make this journey with me.  It's a sobering thought (I've been drinking, BTW)...But it's also a valuable life-lesson.

Forgive But Don't Forget

So, this morning it finally happened.  After weeks and months and even years of being stubborn, I finally did it.  I finally forgave myself.

As a Christian I've always understood the concept of forgiveness for others...It's a necessary part of life.  You can't hold on to all of the anger & hate & bitterness because of what others have done to you.  But I've never really been able to forgive myself.  I always felt I should be better than other people, that I shouldn't make the same mistakes or have the same feelings of anger or selfishness as everyone else.  This morning something just clicked in my mind and in my heart and I finally was able to say "It's ok, Nate. You're not perfect.  You did the best you could.  You had the best of intentions...I forgive you.".

Now that doesn't mean that I don't have to take responsibility for my actions...But it does mean that I don't have to beat myself up any longer.   Sure I've had jobs that haven't worked out.  Sure I've had friendships that have fizzled out.  Sure I've had relationships that didn't end the way I wanted them to.  But none of that happened because I was a bad guy.  It happened because I was unequipped at that time to be the employee or be the friend or be the boyfriend that those situations called for.  Do I still feel bad about that stuff...Of course.  But there's no value in beating myself up for not performing in situations I didn't know how to deal with yet.

I was playing a basketball video-game the other night & a quote came on the screen that made me chuckle & nod approvingly.  It said, "Life is the only teacher that gives you the test first and the lesson later".  How fuckin' true is that?!?!?  I may have failed those earlier tests in my life...But that doesn't mean that I'm incapable of learning the lessons. 

BTW, the video doesn't really have anything to do with my epiphany today...I just like the song & love the video!

Round 1

So I had my first therapy session on Monday...And it went really well!

Through talking with my therapist I realized that everything that I do to this day is connected to my abuse incident...And it isn't.  The abuse isn't completely the reason why I am the way that I am...But it had a huge impact on the man that I am today.  My session also shed insight on the relationships that I have with my parents, my sister, my friends & co-workers, and with my ex.

And speaking of my ex...We've decided to go on "Radio Silence"-mode for a few months.  I realize now that I was leaning on her way too much for support/strength.  And while she was willing to do that because she cares about me, it wasn't really fair to her or even to myself.  She needs time to process our break-up & focus on her own life & happiness.  And I need to do the same.

I also realized that being smart and taking the proverbial field goal or punting for better field position isn't a sign of weakness or a hallmark of being a punk.  The real punk move is going for it on 4th & 25 because of a false sense of bravado.  That's what got me to this point, and I'm never doing that again.

So anyways...This is round 1 of the fight of my life.  Round 1 of the fight FOR my life.  I've got therapy scheduled for twice a month and me & my counselor are really gonna go to work on the issues that have been holding me back my entire life.  It's not gonna be easy, but it's worth it.  I'M worth it...And I will come out victorious in this fight!

What A Difference A Week Makes

Last Saturday night at around this time I was having arguably the worst night of my life.  It was a night filled with mental anguish, self-doubt, extreme loneliness and unbelievable hopelessness.  I sank to a deep dark place that I didn't think I could ever climb out of.  I did something extremely stupid to end my pain...And it's only by the grace of God that I'm typing this right now.

This Saturday I am still sad...But I'm not hopeless or defeated.  I know that last week's dumb decision may have been the action that cost me my life...But because it didn't succeed I now have a chance to make my life the best it can possibly be.  I now realize that I'm not worthless.  I realize that I don't have to be perfect.  I realize that being "single" doesn't mean that I'm alone or that I'm incapable of being loved again.  I also realized that life is much harder than I thought...But it can also be more beautiful and rewarding than I ever imagined.

Next week is going to be tough for me.  I start therapy, I start getting really real, and I start letting go.  My ex said that she would try to call me on Monday so that we can say our "goodbyes" (see you laters?  ta-ta for nows?).  I hope she decides to call.  There's so many things I want to say, and a few questions that I need to ask, but most of all I just want to hear her voice.  I want her to tell me that it's going to be alright and that I'm strong enough to go on this journey without her holding my hand.  I really love her, and if I had my wish she'd be waiting for me at the summit once I climbed this mountain.  But that's not up to me.  I can't make this journey all about her.  Sure re-uniting with the love of my life as a better man (Nate Version 2.0?) would be a dream come true and a wonderful reward for the hard and frightening work ahead.  But life doesn't work like that.  Who knows how long this process is going to take.  She may have a new boyfriend, or be remarried by then.  Hell, even if she's single she may not want to have anything to do with me!  So while I love & cherish her and our time together, that can't be my driving force.  My driving force has to be me.  I have to be healthy & happy.  I can't tie all of my self-esteem into whether I have a good job or a nice car or a pretty girl on my arm.  It's gotta be about what's inside me.I know that now.

So right now I'm settling into my "base camp".  The journey has already started, but the climb begins on Monday.  I think I'm ready.  This is going to be the hardest, most difficult, most grown-ass man shit I've ever done...But it's worth it.  One day I'm going to look back at this period of my life like a bad dream.  One day I'm going to be happy and wonder why I was so down all the time.  And one day Saturday will be "date night" for my wife & I (whomever she may be), instead of the somber anniversary that it is right now.  They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I don't know if I really believe that...But I do know that once I'm finished with this process, I'm gonna be one heck of a strong guy!  And that thought gives me comfort for today and hope for the future.

Class Is In Session

You know, the more I think that I've got a handle on this "depression" thing, the more I realize that I have so much more to learn.  Today started off with a convo between my ex & myself.  Through talking with her I realized that we can't be friends right now...At least not in the way I thought we were going to be.  There's a few reasons for this...

1. I still haven't gotten to the point of forgiving myself yet. Right now I'm at the point where I realize & accept my mistakes, but I haven't forgiven myself yet and I need to do that if I'm ever going to get better.  Unless I truly accept that it's ok to be human and make mistakes (even big ones), then I'm never going to get past our breakup or my abuse or my inadequacy issues or any of the issues that rattle around in my head on a daily basis.

2. I need to be selfish.  That doesn't mean I need to be mean or a jerk or an asshole...But it does mean that my #1 focus on a daily basis needs to be my own healing and my own happiness.  

3. I need to stop being so damn clingy/needy with my ex!  Her involvement or approval in/of my life isn't a requirement of me getting healthy. I need to focus on me and not always be thinking about her. Just because we don't talk every single day doesn't mean that she doesn't love me or care about me, or that she's going to forget about me.  What it means is that she can't be my crutch right now.  It's not healthy for me or fair to her.  Basically whatever relationship/friendship we have or don't have after I go through this is gonna be what it's gonna be. But I can't make us be friends or make us be together again right now, and the more I try to hold onto her (out of a sense of guilt or fear or obligation or even love) the more frustrated she's going to get and eventually I'll drive her away forever. That was a hard lesson, but one I needed to hear.

After our talk, I received a few more inbox messages from listeners of the wrestling podcast.  Their stories encouraged me and reinforced the fact that I'm not alone in this.  Sure I have to walk this path on my own and do the work on my own...But there's plenty of people out there that care about me and that are there to lend support when necessary.  I learned some valuable lessons today.  It's not gonna be easy, but I have to do this if I want to be the healthy, happy, and honest guy I want to be. 

Timing Is Everything

So I had a really good day yesterday...Well, most of it.  My parents and I went out to dinner and we talked and laughed and had a really nice time as 3 adults...Something that rarely happens.  Then we went out for ice-cream and as pathetic as that sounds, it was really sweet (my parent not the ice-cream, although I guess that was sweet too).  Then I came home to a flood of Twitter/Facebook messages from lots of listeners to the wrestling podcast I did yesterday.  They were so supportive and genuine and real and honest that I kinda got overwhelmed and I went for some beer (first mistake).  It's the first time I've touched alcohol since Saturday, and after what happened later it may be my last time for a long while.

So anyways, I get back and I'm writing back & forth with these guys and having a really positive night.  So Drunk Nate (Negative Nate's cousin) whispers in my ear "you should check in on her" (second mistake).  Apparently she and the new guy split up and I'd done a reasonably good job of staying out of it and just being there to support her for the past two days but something was different last night.  It started off really great as I was able to really be there for her.  Not only that, I was able to finally get some things off my chest like how I was still in love with her and deep down in the back of my mind I wished that we could get back together once I've gone through my process (even though I KNOW that's a pipe-dream).  I also told her how I had never loved any woman as much as I loved her and that maybe one day we could be those Troi-Riker kinda friends.  In addition to that I was helping to cheer her up by reminding her how great and special she was and everything seemed cool.  We were cool, we were really cool.  This was what I had been waiting and hoping and dreaming about all week, "Nate & The Ex...Best Pals"...And then it happened.

I still don't know what happened in those last 45 minutes that were different from the previous 3 and a half hours.  Either something in me changed (maybe I was spending too much time trying to "help" her and not enough time listening to her and just letting her be sad), or in her (maybe she realized that even though we still love each other, I'm as much a part of the problem right now as I am a solution), or the situation just is what it is (maybe exes usually aren't friends for a reason).  All I know is that I upset her and added to her bad night instead of helping make it better.  She said I made it about myself (I'm assuming that just happened in the last 45 minutes) and I don't know how I did that, but maybe she's right.  Maybe me & her being friends is really about the guilt I feel for letting her down.  She will often throw the fact that I was the one who broke up with her in my face.  And while that may be factually true, I don't know if she realizes that that was a choice made out of fear & anger & hurt.  Besides, we were going to break up eventually and I'm still glad if it had to end we did it face to face.  So am I being nice to her just to make myself feel better?  Maybe...I don't think so, but maybe she's right (she usually is).  But can't I want to make up for my mistakes AND genuinely want to be her friend at the same time?  I don't get this at all. 

What I do get is that I ended up making her bad day worse, and that's not ok.  What I do know is that after 3 amazing hours of conversation I went through 45 extremely uncomfortable & powerless minutes, and I went to bed confused and unhappy...And that's not ok.  What I do know is that I'm still in love with her, and while I can't change my feelings it's not fair to her or me to try to force a friendship while I'm still healing & going through my process.  Feelings are funny and tricky.  I don't really know how to think or act with anybody right now...Especially her.  Maybe my appointment on Monday will help with that...I hope so. I don't know if me & her are ever going to be able to be friends.  I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to shake this "being in love with her" thing.  I just know that I want to be in her life even if it's a small capacity.  I want her to feel like she can lean on me like I've leaned on her in the past.  I know that if I work out all my bullshit we could probably be pretty cool resources in each other's lives, you know?  A good friend of the opposite sex that knows you better than you know yourself.  Someone who's seen all your crap and can give you real-talk and real advice on how not to screw up another relationship?  That shit sounds pretty sweet to me. 

So there's a lot of things swirling around in my head right now.  Some thing's I'm sure of , some things I kinda get, and somethings that I have absolutely no clue about.  But I do know one thing...Last night I should have stopped talking to her about and hour earlier than I did!  That and I probably shouldn't drink anymore for a long while.

Laugh At My Pain

Damn! Apparently wisdom comes from many sources...Even comedians.
I was surfing Facebook tonight and stumbled across this lil' gem of truth.

"If you've ever wondered why someone behaved in an odd way, 99% of the time it's because they were scared" -- Neal Brennan (Co-Creator of Chappelle's Show).

Is anyone else out there raising their hand besides me?

Wrestling With Shadows

For as long as I can remember I've always loved professional wrestling.  There was always just something about these larger than life characters doing incredibly athletic things that caught my attention as a kid and I still enjoy watching it today. 

Tonight I sat down and watched my weekly dose of TNA's Impact Wrestling.  I never miss an episode, in part because I do a segment for my friends' podcast...But I'd still be watching even if I wasn't.  TNA is a funny company.  It's filled with former WCW stars, Ex-WWE Wrestlers, and underused homegrown talent.  It's not always a great show...But it's usually interesting and always fun to talk about.

Tonight I recorded my usual segment with my buddies and before we got into the wrestling we talked about my recent issues with depression and my new-found focus on getting real with myself & others.  It felt good to talk to friends that have my back and want the best for me.  The listeners of the show have also been a great source of support and insight.  Some of them have shared personal stories of their battles with feelings of inadequacy and depression.  They've also given me tips on how to deal with things that may pop up on my road to healing.

The fact that I have all of these people not just listening to me...But rooting for me makes me glad that I decided to finally take off my mask.  In the past I often sought out unhealthy means to get the "love" that I thought I needed.  These ways included acting out, putting on a show, and putting on my "hero" cape.  It's also one of the reasons I did stupid & hurtful things like still being signed up on a dating site while I was in a committed relationship.  I never wanted to be with any of those women, but I did crave their attention and compliments because my family, my friends, and my ex's love and support were never enough for me.  As much as they cared about me it didn't matter, because I wasn't happy with myself.  Well, I'm working on that and the support of my extended "Internet Family" (especially my fellow wrestling fans) is going a long way towards showing me how good true love & real friendship can actually feel.  Who knew healing could come from something as "silly" as Pro Wrasslin'?

Taking Off The Cape

So we talked on Facebook for about 3 hours today and she told me that the past two days have been rough for her.  At first I wasn't able to hear her because I was still in my own head.  I got defensive because she was pointing a finger at me for saying her name on my podcast.  Then she said, "it's not about you right now" and something kind of clicked in my mind.  After that I was present in the conversation.  And I was supportive and empathetic and I tried to help her talk out some of her feelings.  Surprisingly enough, I didn't even bad-mouth the new guy! 

After we got through talking she thanked me.  I wanted to call her and tell her, it's the least I can do...I hurt you so bad and I owe you so much that I will always be there for you.  But that would have been too much to throw on her plate right now.  It just makes me feel good to know that I can be there for her...And that she allowed me to be there.  So often in our relationship (and over the course of my adult life) I tried to be a "hero".  I've always been a caring person, but somehow it got twisted in my ego-filled/insecurity-driven/abuse-altered mind that if I "saved" enough people that I could be a good person.  Yes I was helping people...But not for the right reasons. 

Today wasn't like that.  Today I was genuinely there for her.  I put my feelings to the side as best I could and we talked, like adults...Like friends.  And it felt good.  I don't know what's going to happen with her & this guy...And it doesn't matter in terms of my journey.  My delusions of being with her again are slowly starting to fade away.  I'm still in love with her & I still miss her in the worst way, but I'd rather keep her in my life as a real friend than run her away forever by being an insecure & annoying ex-boyfriend.  I don't want to be "that guy".  I want to be this guy.  And this guy is good enough, especially today.  Not because I'm a hero or a good guy...But because I was a friend to someone that was a friend to me.  Someone that taught me what it means to be a real friend as an adult.  I am so glad that we're on speaking (or at least messaging) terms again after 3 days of not communicating.  I know it's still going to be a long process for us to truly become the "Riker & Troi platonic life-partner"-style friends I'd like us to be, but I'm ready to try...And she's slowly starting to accept my trying.  And that makes me feel more super than being a fake "hero" ever could!

Be Careful What You Wish For

You know how I desperately wanted my ex to listen to what I said on the podcast and talk to me about it?  She finally did...And she is not happy.  Apparently she's upset because I used her real name instead of a fake name or simply calling her "My Ex".  And apparently she's upset because her new guy found the show, listened to it, and now he's upset (even though I didn't say anything bad about her and I didn't even mention him).  But now she's hurt & he's hurt, and she thinks I did it on purpose to screw with their relationship.

Am I angry & hurt & sad & lonely about me & her not being together...Yes.  Am I jealous of this new guy and wish I hadn't screwed up my opportunity with my ex...Yes.  Does that mean that I would intentionally try to do something to break them up...No.  I honestly don't give a damn about him, but I would never ever intentionally do anything to hurt that woman.  Not anymore, not ever again.  I love her even if that means seeing her with someone else.  But she doesn't want to hear that.  She's hurt & angry and kinda blaming me and I think she may say that she never wants to speak to me again.

So...I lied and I lost her as a girlfriend.  Now I was painfully honest and I'm going to lose her as a friend???  Fuck my life.

No.  That last line was "Negative Nate" talking.  I can't let her crisis drag me back into the same pool of self-pity and despair that I finally managed to crawl out of.  While I love and care for her dearly, I can't bear the weight of her problems and my problems too.  As much as it hurts, all I can do is say I'm sorry and  hope that the two of them work things out and that her & I can remain friends.  But even if that doesn't happen I've still got to continue on my journey.  I've still got to continue being honest and continue healing...Even if that means doing it without the realest friend I've ever had.

***Update (11:30am)***
I apologized and explained myself.  I think she knows that I meant well.  There may be hope for us yet as friends.  I'm not sure enough to bet money on it yet...But I think we're going to be ok (at least I hope so).

A Toast For The Assholes

Is there anything worse than waking up before 10am and the first thing that pops into your head is "I think she was right"?  Well there probably is and she definitely was.  Over the past few weeks my ex has routinely told me that I was no better or no different than her previous ex-boyfriend.  She didn't say that I was as bad as her ex-husband...But that's only because she hates him more than any person/place/thing on the planet!

For time's sake I'm not going to protect her ex-boyfriend's (Michael) or her ex-husband's (Mark) identities.  One because those are common names, and two because they're both assholes...And this morning I realized so was I, or more accurately I behaved like one at several points during our relationship.   Of course I didn't cheat on her & have outside babies behind her back (like Michael).  And I wasn't verbally abusive & maliciously manipulative to her (like Mark).  And despite what she may think now, I never delighted in her pain & suffering (like both of those douche-bags did and continue to do).  But I did do something just as bad...I lied to her.  I sold her a bill of goods.  I promised something that I was incapable of delivering.  I built her up following her troubles with Michael and Mark...and then I let her down.  And perhaps the thing that makes me feel the worst is I made her sad...I made her cry.  Me...The guy that was supposed to be her soul-mate, the guy that was supposed to be her "One".  I was supposed to be her hero, but I'm no better than those other villains really. 

I know she wants Mark to go to Hell.  Michael...Maybe Purgatory.  As far as I go, I'm not sure.  I know she doesn't want me to go to Hell.  Maybe she'd put me in Purgatory like Michael (except she'd be nicer to me and leave me with a big screen TV with the NFL package on it!).  But I really think if I'm being honest that she'd wish I was in Heaven, just not the nicest part of Heaven.  Like she'd want me to make it to Heaven...But live on the Southside of Heaven in the ghetto next to Doubting Thomas and those convicts that make deathbed conversions.  But enough of that, lemme get back to the important stuff...

Now my old friend "Negative Nate" would have used this revelation as a baseball bat to continue to beat myself up with...But I'm not going to do that today.  I'm going to accept the truth, cry a little bit, go have a cigarette and try to have a productive day.  I know she didn't say that I was no better than Michael to hurt me (well...maybe she did a little bit).  I now know that she was trying to illustrate how badly my lies had hurt her & let her down.  Now I get it.  I finally get it...And that makes me want to do better.  It's too late for me to do better for her...But I can use this lesson to help me the next time I fall in love with a woman (maybe I'll be ready again in 5 years or so...Lol!).

The Angel Of Stern Strikes Again

One thing I hate about the NBA Playoffs is that they always pick some dumb song to be the theme of the playoffs.  It's always some over-synthesized pop song that you probably already hear on the radio 25 times during the day.  This year they picked "That Power" (I refuse to write it the way it is in the YouTube title) by Will.I.Am & Justin Beiber.  I'm not a fan of either of these dudes individually...But collectively they made something that kinda works.  Sure it's disposable pop music, but for some reason I kinda dig it. 

The lyrics are pretty weak...But I LOVE the chorus (for reasons that should be painfully obvious).  I'm not going to buy the CD or even the single on iTunes.  But I will play this video over and over and over again when I start to feel down, because it makes me dance in my chair like a damn fool!  I know it's not a great song, but for whatever reason it makes me happy.  And I'll take all the happy moments I can get right now...Even if it comes from two jabronies like this!

Baby Steps

I only looked at her Facebook page 3 times today.  That may make me sound like a creep or a stalker...But it's a lot better than yesterday (7 times) and the day before (somewhere in the high teens/low 20's).  My nights are always a lot harder than my days because during the day I can distract myself a bit more.  But at night I find myself sitting in front of the computer or the TV wishing that she would call.  The bad thing is I KNOW she's not gonna call...But for some reason I can't shake the need/want to talk to her.  "Negative Nate" tried to convince me earlier that she doesn't care about me or what I'm going through.  That she's off frolicking away in her new happy life laughing about me to her friends.  But I know that's not the case, so I told Negative Nate to "GTFO ASAP" (one of her favorite sayings).  I know that she does care about me and my struggle...But she's got her own struggles to deal with on her end.  While I'd love it if she would message me or call me tonight, that's an unrealistic dream that can only lead to more self-defeating thoughts if I let it.  She'll contact me when she's ready.  And the hard truth is she may not be ready for a while...If ever.  And that hurts.  As I'm typing this, I'm actually trying to send her a psychic message...Lol!  Oh, I forgot to mention she's psychic (which makes it even more stupid that I lied to her).  At first I didn't believe her, but over the past year and a half she made me a believer.  And I know that even if we never speak to each other again, we're always going to have a connection.  And that at least makes a bit of the hurt go away.

And even as lonely as I feel right now, I'm still in a fairly good place.  I've got a few things going for me.  My buddy Marcus is going to give me his laptop (for FREE!).  My relationship with Moms took a small step forward tonight. And even though my therapy session got bumped to Monday (and it's going to cost $130!!!), I'm finally ready to talk this stuff out with a professional.  So little by little things are getting better for me...Plus I only looked at her Facebook page 3 times today!

The Enemy Within (Part II)

So...I was having a pretty positive night.  And then "he" showed up.  "Negative Nate" reared his ugly head.  See, my ex & I talked on the phone almost every day for a year & a half...Mostly late at night (partly because I worked nights and slept all day, and partly because it always felt safer for me to talk at night because I could be drunk and/or high).  Well tonight after all of this positive stuff, that negative part of me was like "You haven't heard from her all day...You should message her".  Fortunately I resisted that urge and decided to safeguard myself by archiving her messages.  But in the process of setting her messages to archive-mode, I spent nearly an hour re-reading old messages.  Some good, some bad (especially the recent ones), some that made me laugh...And a lot that made me feel like crying.  Well after about an hour of that I had to stop myself and try to figure out what was really going on.  Yes it's ok to miss her...But it's not ok to try to bury myself in the rubble of our failed relationship.  It makes no sense to wallow in self-pity or become a martyr for something that is already dead & gone forever.  That's what got me into trouble last weekend & I'll be damned if I'm going to go back to that place.  Not now...Not ever again. 

So after realizing what I was doing, I analyzed the current state of our friendship and I realized that we both have a ways to go before we can truly be the great life-long friends that I want us to be.  I think she has to get past not being able to hear my voice because I desperately want to talk to her on the phone again...Or at least have her listen to what I said on the podcast (I sent it to her, but I doubt she's listened to it).  And for me, I have to get past the pain of  seeing her with another guy.  I think she desperately needs for me to be able to share in her new-found post-Nate happiness and in the excitement of her new relationship.  And in most of my heart I really want her to be happy and I can accept her being with another man.  But there's still a part of my heart that can't quite deal with that yet.  So yesterday before I did the podcast I asked her if we could put up some parameters and she was cool with it.  But after the show she was super excited about this new dude passing one of her "tests" and she was so excited to tell me about it.  I wanted to be there for her, but I just couldn't be.  The rational part of me was like, that's cool Kitten...As long as he makes you happy.  But the Negative Nate, that part of me that is filled with pain and bitterness and jealousy and feelings of inadequacy was upset that she was giving this dude so much credit for agreeing to take her to a museum.  That's something that I would have gladly done...And she knows that.  I started to pull away from the conversation because I felt hurt and also because I felt that she broke our parameters agreement.   Then she started to pull away because I pulled away and we probably both went to bed with sore feelings.  But you know what?  Even though I'm not wrong for being upset that she over-stepped the pre-arranged boundaries of our conversation, I am wrong for being upset that she heaped praise on this guy for passing a relatively minor test.  The fact is, even though I would have gladly taken her to the zoo, the museum, the library, the botanical gardens, or anywhere she wanted to go...That wasn't my test to take.  I had my test 7 weeks ago...And I failed it with flying colors.  I had my shot, and unfortunately I blew it.  The Nate that's typing this would have risen to the occasion and we'd probably still be together right now...But I was at a different place back then.  And that's a hard fact to face.  It sucks that I wasn't equipped to be there for her or for her kids.  It sucks that I let her down.  It sucks that I made her cry.  It sucks that the guy who showed her that she was special and needed to take care of herself more ended up being ordinary and unable to take care of anything. 

But I guess there are lessons to be learned from tonight.  First of all, I now know that there are people ready and willing to be there for me if I allow myself to be real with them.  Second, I really do have a great family and I've probably frustrated them to no end with my decision-making over the years.  But at least now they know I'm putting in the work to become a better man.  And finally I realized that getting over my ex is going to be the hardest part of this whole authenticity deal.  There's so many emotions wrapped up in the way I feel about her and trying to pick out just one (like being happy for her) ends up creating some Jenga-like tumble of another emotion (like loneliness).  The good news is that I'm on the road to fixing that.  The bad news?  That I'm not there tonight.

The Enemy Within (Part I)

Tonight was a pretty interesting night.  It started with a phone call from a friend named John.  We've always been cool with each other, but like most of my friends I never really was real with him.  Well tonight we had a 10 minute phone conversation that was very positive.  He told me that he heard my podcast and that he was proud of me for coming out & being honest.  He said that he & a mutual friend of ours were there if I ever needed to talk.  I told him that it was hard for me to accept help & support from others, but that I was going to start therapy on Thursday (Yay!) and that his support meant a lot to me.

Then I got 3.messages in my Facebook inbox from people that had heard my podcast/read this blog and they told me that I was not alone and that they were rooting for me.  Then I had the much-dreaded talk with my sister.  I had sent her the clip from the podcast as a primer for her (and so that I didn't have to actually tell my little sister in words what was going on).  Unfortunately she wasn't able to listen to it before she called and I had to let her know everything.  I told her about the sexual abuse in my past (I'll probably talk about that sometime in the future, but I'm not there yet), I told her about my depression since I've been back from Canada, and I told her about what I did on Saturday night.  She was stunned, but she was supportive.  She told me that she loved me and that she was glad I was getting some help and glad I was able to be honest with her.  This is probably only the second real adult conversation that I've ever had with my sister (the first being when she asked me why it didn't work out with my ex).    So that went pretty well.  Then I sent my dad an e-mail including a link to this page and let him know that we would talk about it when he was ready.  He's driving me to my Therapy appointment this week.  He was very supportive when I first told him about my sexual abuse 4 weeks ago, and I think we've had a much better relationship since I've been back.  He's the same old great dad I've always had...But I'm finally starting to let him in and finally being real with him.  So Pops is on board the Healing-Train.  The only person left is Moms, but I think I may wait until later this week to tell her.  I love my mother to death, but she can be intimidating at times.  It occurred to me just now while typing this that one of the problems I had with my ex was that I'm non-assertive and passive-aggressive while at times she could be overbearing and a bit of a bully.  In reality my relationship with her in terms of being open & honest really wasn't that much different than my relationship with Moms (doesn't it always come back to mommy-issues).

So far, so good...Not quite. 
I got a visit from a constant companion of mine a few hours later.