So, this morning it finally happened. After weeks and months and even years of being stubborn, I finally did it. I finally forgave myself.
As a Christian I've always understood the concept of forgiveness for others...It's a necessary part of life. You can't hold on to all of the anger & hate & bitterness because of what others have done to you. But I've never really been able to forgive myself. I always felt I should be better than other people, that I shouldn't make the same mistakes or have the same feelings of anger or selfishness as everyone else. This morning something just clicked in my mind and in my heart and I finally was able to say "It's ok, Nate. You're not perfect. You did the best you could. You had the best of intentions...I forgive you.".
Now that doesn't mean that I don't have to take responsibility for my actions...But it does mean that I don't have to beat myself up any longer. Sure I've had jobs that haven't worked out. Sure I've had friendships that have fizzled out. Sure I've had relationships that didn't end the way I wanted them to. But none of that happened because I was a bad guy. It happened because I was unequipped at that time to be the employee or be the friend or be the boyfriend that those situations called for. Do I still feel bad about that stuff...Of course. But there's no value in beating myself up for not performing in situations I didn't know how to deal with yet.
I was playing a basketball video-game the other night & a quote came on the screen that made me chuckle & nod approvingly. It said, "Life is the only teacher that gives you the test first and the lesson later". How fuckin' true is that?!?!? I may have failed those earlier tests in my life...But that doesn't mean that I'm incapable of learning the lessons.
BTW, the video doesn't really have anything to do with my epiphany today...I just like the song & love the video!
As a Christian I've always understood the concept of forgiveness for others...It's a necessary part of life. You can't hold on to all of the anger & hate & bitterness because of what others have done to you. But I've never really been able to forgive myself. I always felt I should be better than other people, that I shouldn't make the same mistakes or have the same feelings of anger or selfishness as everyone else. This morning something just clicked in my mind and in my heart and I finally was able to say "It's ok, Nate. You're not perfect. You did the best you could. You had the best of intentions...I forgive you.".
Now that doesn't mean that I don't have to take responsibility for my actions...But it does mean that I don't have to beat myself up any longer. Sure I've had jobs that haven't worked out. Sure I've had friendships that have fizzled out. Sure I've had relationships that didn't end the way I wanted them to. But none of that happened because I was a bad guy. It happened because I was unequipped at that time to be the employee or be the friend or be the boyfriend that those situations called for. Do I still feel bad about that stuff...Of course. But there's no value in beating myself up for not performing in situations I didn't know how to deal with yet.
I was playing a basketball video-game the other night & a quote came on the screen that made me chuckle & nod approvingly. It said, "Life is the only teacher that gives you the test first and the lesson later". How fuckin' true is that?!?!? I may have failed those earlier tests in my life...But that doesn't mean that I'm incapable of learning the lessons.
BTW, the video doesn't really have anything to do with my epiphany today...I just like the song & love the video!
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