You know how I desperately wanted my ex to listen to what I said on the podcast and talk to me about it? She finally did...And she is not happy. Apparently she's upset because I used her real name instead of a fake name or simply calling her "My Ex". And apparently she's upset because her new guy found the show, listened to it, and now he's upset (even though I didn't say anything bad about her and I didn't even mention him). But now she's hurt & he's hurt, and she thinks I did it on purpose to screw with their relationship.
Am I angry & hurt & sad & lonely about me & her not being together...Yes. Am I jealous of this new guy and wish I hadn't screwed up my opportunity with my ex...Yes. Does that mean that I would intentionally try to do something to break them up...No. I honestly don't give a damn about him, but I would never ever intentionally do anything to hurt that woman. Not anymore, not ever again. I love her even if that means seeing her with someone else. But she doesn't want to hear that. She's hurt & angry and kinda blaming me and I think she may say that she never wants to speak to me again.
So...I lied and I lost her as a girlfriend. Now I was painfully honest and I'm going to lose her as a friend??? Fuck my life.
No. That last line was "Negative Nate" talking. I can't let her crisis drag me back into the same pool of self-pity and despair that I finally managed to crawl out of. While I love and care for her dearly, I can't bear the weight of her problems and my problems too. As much as it hurts, all I can do is say I'm sorry and hope that the two of them work things out and that her & I can remain friends. But even if that doesn't happen I've still got to continue on my journey. I've still got to continue being honest and continue healing...Even if that means doing it without the realest friend I've ever had.
***Update (11:30am)***
I apologized and explained myself. I think she knows that I meant well. There may be hope for us yet as friends. I'm not sure enough to bet money on it yet...But I think we're going to be ok (at least I hope so).
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