A Toast For The Assholes

Is there anything worse than waking up before 10am and the first thing that pops into your head is "I think she was right"?  Well there probably is and she definitely was.  Over the past few weeks my ex has routinely told me that I was no better or no different than her previous ex-boyfriend.  She didn't say that I was as bad as her ex-husband...But that's only because she hates him more than any person/place/thing on the planet!

For time's sake I'm not going to protect her ex-boyfriend's (Michael) or her ex-husband's (Mark) identities.  One because those are common names, and two because they're both assholes...And this morning I realized so was I, or more accurately I behaved like one at several points during our relationship.   Of course I didn't cheat on her & have outside babies behind her back (like Michael).  And I wasn't verbally abusive & maliciously manipulative to her (like Mark).  And despite what she may think now, I never delighted in her pain & suffering (like both of those douche-bags did and continue to do).  But I did do something just as bad...I lied to her.  I sold her a bill of goods.  I promised something that I was incapable of delivering.  I built her up following her troubles with Michael and Mark...and then I let her down.  And perhaps the thing that makes me feel the worst is I made her sad...I made her cry.  Me...The guy that was supposed to be her soul-mate, the guy that was supposed to be her "One".  I was supposed to be her hero, but I'm no better than those other villains really. 

I know she wants Mark to go to Hell.  Michael...Maybe Purgatory.  As far as I go, I'm not sure.  I know she doesn't want me to go to Hell.  Maybe she'd put me in Purgatory like Michael (except she'd be nicer to me and leave me with a big screen TV with the NFL package on it!).  But I really think if I'm being honest that she'd wish I was in Heaven, just not the nicest part of Heaven.  Like she'd want me to make it to Heaven...But live on the Southside of Heaven in the ghetto next to Doubting Thomas and those convicts that make deathbed conversions.  But enough of that, lemme get back to the important stuff...

Now my old friend "Negative Nate" would have used this revelation as a baseball bat to continue to beat myself up with...But I'm not going to do that today.  I'm going to accept the truth, cry a little bit, go have a cigarette and try to have a productive day.  I know she didn't say that I was no better than Michael to hurt me (well...maybe she did a little bit).  I now know that she was trying to illustrate how badly my lies had hurt her & let her down.  Now I get it.  I finally get it...And that makes me want to do better.  It's too late for me to do better for her...But I can use this lesson to help me the next time I fall in love with a woman (maybe I'll be ready again in 5 years or so...Lol!).