Last Saturday night at around this time I was having arguably the worst night of my life. It was a night filled with mental anguish, self-doubt, extreme loneliness and unbelievable hopelessness. I sank to a deep dark place that I didn't think I could ever climb out of. I did something extremely stupid to end my pain...And it's only by the grace of God that I'm typing this right now.
This Saturday I am still sad...But I'm not hopeless or defeated. I know that last week's dumb decision may have been the action that cost me my life...But because it didn't succeed I now have a chance to make my life the best it can possibly be. I now realize that I'm not worthless. I realize that I don't have to be perfect. I realize that being "single" doesn't mean that I'm alone or that I'm incapable of being loved again. I also realized that life is much harder than I thought...But it can also be more beautiful and rewarding than I ever imagined.
Next week is going to be tough for me. I start therapy, I start getting really real, and I start letting go. My ex said that she would try to call me on Monday so that we can say our "goodbyes" (see you laters? ta-ta for nows?). I hope she decides to call. There's so many things I want to say, and a few questions that I need to ask, but most of all I just want to hear her voice. I want her to tell me that it's going to be alright and that I'm strong enough to go on this journey without her holding my hand. I really love her, and if I had my wish she'd be waiting for me at the summit once I climbed this mountain. But that's not up to me. I can't make this journey all about her. Sure re-uniting with the love of my life as a better man (Nate Version 2.0?) would be a dream come true and a wonderful reward for the hard and frightening work ahead. But life doesn't work like that. Who knows how long this process is going to take. She may have a new boyfriend, or be remarried by then. Hell, even if she's single she may not want to have anything to do with me! So while I love & cherish her and our time together, that can't be my driving force. My driving force has to be me. I have to be healthy & happy. I can't tie all of my self-esteem into whether I have a good job or a nice car or a pretty girl on my arm. It's gotta be about what's inside me.I know that now.
So right now I'm settling into my "base camp". The journey has already started, but the climb begins on Monday. I think I'm ready. This is going to be the hardest, most difficult, most grown-ass man shit I've ever done...But it's worth it. One day I'm going to look back at this period of my life like a bad dream. One day I'm going to be happy and wonder why I was so down all the time. And one day Saturday will be "date night" for my wife & I (whomever she may be), instead of the somber anniversary that it is right now. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I don't know if I really believe that...But I do know that once I'm finished with this process, I'm gonna be one heck of a strong guy! And that thought gives me comfort for today and hope for the future.
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