I only looked at her Facebook page 3 times today. That may make me sound like a creep or a stalker...But it's a lot better than yesterday (7 times) and the day before (somewhere in the high teens/low 20's). My nights are always a lot harder than my days because during the day I can distract myself a bit more. But at night I find myself sitting in front of the computer or the TV wishing that she would call. The bad thing is I KNOW she's not gonna call...But for some reason I can't shake the need/want to talk to her. "Negative Nate" tried to convince me earlier that she doesn't care about me or what I'm going through. That she's off frolicking away in her new happy life laughing about me to her friends. But I know that's not the case, so I told Negative Nate to "GTFO ASAP" (one of her favorite sayings). I know that she does care about me and my struggle...But she's got her own struggles to deal with on her end. While I'd love it if she would message me or call me tonight, that's an unrealistic dream that can only lead to more self-defeating thoughts if I let it. She'll contact me when she's ready. And the hard truth is she may not be ready for a while...If ever. And that hurts. As I'm typing this, I'm actually trying to send her a psychic message...Lol! Oh, I forgot to mention she's psychic (which makes it even more stupid that I lied to her). At first I didn't believe her, but over the past year and a half she made me a believer. And I know that even if we never speak to each other again, we're always going to have a connection. And that at least makes a bit of the hurt go away.
And even as lonely as I feel right now, I'm still in a fairly good place. I've got a few things going for me. My buddy Marcus is going to give me his laptop (for FREE!). My relationship with Moms took a small step forward tonight. And even though my therapy session got bumped to Monday (and it's going to cost $130!!!), I'm finally ready to talk this stuff out with a professional. So little by little things are getting better for me...Plus I only looked at her Facebook page 3 times today!
Brother Nate,
ReplyDeleteI have found that writing (even if no one else is reading) is very therapeutic. I started my blog a few years ago. Sometimes I right funny stuff, sometimes I rant about things in my life, and sometimes I just need to get my feelings out there somewhere. This is a place where you don't have to be "On Air Nate", you don't have to be "Black Nate", you don't have to be "Stylin and Profilin' Nate", you can just be Nate Milton; human being. Keep up the good work, brother...there are those of us out here who understand.
-Jamie
Thanks Brother Jamie.
DeleteI always thought most blogs were just people complaining about stuff that no-one but them cared about...But once I started writing I see how helpful it can be. Instead of wallowing in my feelings and eventually hurting myself or someone else, I can just kind of sit here and type and type and type until things start to make sense again.