Talking To Ghosts

So...The past couple of days have been interesting.
First of all, I've been exercising more.  Tonight marked the 12th consecutive day that I've worked out for at least 20 minutes a day.  Now that may not sound like much, but it's actually a pretty big step for me.  I think I've probably lost at least 7 pounds (I don't own a scale)...But my body is slowly starting to look better (either that or my self-esteem/image is improving).  I've also been hot on the trail of a new job.  I walked down to a local restaurant today and turned in my resume (after apparently slamming the door in the owner's face...Lol!).  So we'll see where that leads.  Also, my sports podcast got it's first sponsor after only 9 shows...Which is pretty freakin' cool.

Finally I had a few interesting conversations tonight.  Conversations with people that don't actually exist.  I mean they used to exist, but they're not here anymore.  The first convo was with 9 year-old Nate.  I told him that I was sorry that I wasn't there to protect him.  I told him that he didn't do anything wrong.  That he was a smart, funny, loving kid that got stuck in a bad situation.  I hugged him in my mind.  I gave him the hug that I always wanted from my Pops or from my Moms after the abuse occurred.  I told him that he turned out okay and that no matter what, I wasn't going to let what happened to him go unnoticed.  That I was going to be a better man for him and for myself. 

The second convo I had was with my ex, or rather my ex from about 16 months ago.  I went back into our Facebook conversations and read some messages from her during our happier times.  I smiled & laughed & even cried.  Her words back then were so loving & affirming (even to this day).  She really did love me.  Despite my flaws, despite my job status, despite my height/weight...She really did love me.  That was something that I already kinda knew, but it made me feel good re-reading those messages.  She may not like me right now...But I know that the woman that wrote those messages still probably has a fond place in her heart & mind for me, all things considered.  So I told my "ex" that I was sorry I couldn't be the guy I am now back then.  I thanked her for making me feel like the most special man on the planet...And then I had a smoke and watched Blade: Trinity...Lol!

Talking to these "ghosts" was nice & heart-warming & melancholy all at the same time.  I weep for that little boy...But there's nothing I can do now to save him.  I feel bad that I let that wonderful woman down...But I can't change the past.  All I can do is work on myself.  Try to heal those scars, try to be honest, and try to be better.  Talking to ghosts is cool for a night...But when it's over, I still have to LIVE.  I still have to make things right.  I still have to be a better man for the Nate that exists right now, and for any woman I may love in the future.  I don't know if what I did tonight was good or therapeutic or lame...I just know that it was necessary for me right now.  I'm gonna get better & I'm gonna be happy...But I still needed to make peace with those people that aren't able to make this journey with me.  It's a sobering thought (I've been drinking, BTW)...But it's also a valuable life-lesson.