So I had a really good day yesterday...Well, most of it. My parents and I went out to dinner and we talked and laughed and had a really nice time as 3 adults...Something that rarely happens. Then we went out for ice-cream and as pathetic as that sounds, it was really sweet (my parent not the ice-cream, although I guess that was sweet too). Then I came home to a flood of Twitter/Facebook messages from lots of listeners to the wrestling podcast I did yesterday. They were so supportive and genuine and real and honest that I kinda got overwhelmed and I went for some beer (first mistake). It's the first time I've touched alcohol since Saturday, and after what happened later it may be my last time for a long while.
So anyways, I get back and I'm writing back & forth with these guys and having a really positive night. So Drunk Nate (Negative Nate's cousin) whispers in my ear "you should check in on her" (second mistake). Apparently she and the new guy split up and I'd done a reasonably good job of staying out of it and just being there to support her for the past two days but something was different last night. It started off really great as I was able to really be there for her. Not only that, I was able to finally get some things off my chest like how I was still in love with her and deep down in the back of my mind I wished that we could get back together once I've gone through my process (even though I KNOW that's a pipe-dream). I also told her how I had never loved any woman as much as I loved her and that maybe one day we could be those Troi-Riker kinda friends. In addition to that I was helping to cheer her up by reminding her how great and special she was and everything seemed cool. We were cool, we were really cool. This was what I had been waiting and hoping and dreaming about all week, "Nate & The Ex...Best Pals"...And then it happened.
I still don't know what happened in those last 45 minutes that were different from the previous 3 and a half hours. Either something in me changed (maybe I was spending too much time trying to "help" her and not enough time listening to her and just letting her be sad), or in her (maybe she realized that even though we still love each other, I'm as much a part of the problem right now as I am a solution), or the situation just is what it is (maybe exes usually aren't friends for a reason). All I know is that I upset her and added to her bad night instead of helping make it better. She said I made it about myself (I'm assuming that just happened in the last 45 minutes) and I don't know how I did that, but maybe she's right. Maybe me & her being friends is really about the guilt I feel for letting her down. She will often throw the fact that I was the one who broke up with her in my face. And while that may be factually true, I don't know if she realizes that that was a choice made out of fear & anger & hurt. Besides, we were going to break up eventually and I'm still glad if it had to end we did it face to face. So am I being nice to her just to make myself feel better? Maybe...I don't think so, but maybe she's right (she usually is). But can't I want to make up for my mistakes AND genuinely want to be her friend at the same time? I don't get this at all.
What I do get is that I ended up making her bad day worse, and that's not ok. What I do know is that after 3 amazing hours of conversation I went through 45 extremely uncomfortable & powerless minutes, and I went to bed confused and unhappy...And that's not ok. What I do know is that I'm still in love with her, and while I can't change my feelings it's not fair to her or me to try to force a friendship while I'm still healing & going through my process. Feelings are funny and tricky. I don't really know how to think or act with anybody right now...Especially her. Maybe my appointment on Monday will help with that...I hope so. I don't know if me & her are ever going to be able to be friends. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to shake this "being in love with her" thing. I just know that I want to be in her life even if it's a small capacity. I want her to feel like she can lean on me like I've leaned on her in the past. I know that if I work out all my bullshit we could probably be pretty cool resources in each other's lives, you know? A good friend of the opposite sex that knows you better than you know yourself. Someone who's seen all your crap and can give you real-talk and real advice on how not to screw up another relationship? That shit sounds pretty sweet to me.
So there's a lot of things swirling around in my head right now. Some thing's I'm sure of , some things I kinda get, and somethings that I have absolutely no clue about. But I do know one thing...Last night I should have stopped talking to her about and hour earlier than I did! That and I probably shouldn't drink anymore for a long while.
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