So we talked on Facebook for about 3 hours today and she told me that the past two days have been rough for her. At first I wasn't able to hear her because I was still in my own head. I got defensive because she was pointing a finger at me for saying her name on my podcast. Then she said, "it's not about you right now" and something kind of clicked in my mind. After that I was present in the conversation. And I was supportive and empathetic and I tried to help her talk out some of her feelings. Surprisingly enough, I didn't even bad-mouth the new guy!
After we got through talking she thanked me. I wanted to call her and tell her, it's the least I can do...I hurt you so bad and I owe you so much that I will always be there for you. But that would have been too much to throw on her plate right now. It just makes me feel good to know that I can be there for her...And that she allowed me to be there. So often in our relationship (and over the course of my adult life) I tried to be a "hero". I've always been a caring person, but somehow it got twisted in my ego-filled/insecurity-driven/abuse-altered mind that if I "saved" enough people that I could be a good person. Yes I was helping people...But not for the right reasons.
Today wasn't like that. Today I was genuinely there for her. I put my feelings to the side as best I could and we talked, like adults...Like friends. And it felt good. I don't know what's going to happen with her & this guy...And it doesn't matter in terms of my journey. My delusions of being with her again are slowly starting to fade away. I'm still in love with her & I still miss her in the worst way, but I'd rather keep her in my life as a real friend than run her away forever by being an insecure & annoying ex-boyfriend. I don't want to be "that guy". I want to be this guy. And this guy is good enough, especially today. Not because I'm a hero or a good guy...But because I was a friend to someone that was a friend to me. Someone that taught me what it means to be a real friend as an adult. I am so glad that we're on speaking (or at least messaging) terms again after 3 days of not communicating. I know it's still going to be a long process for us to truly become the "Riker & Troi platonic life-partner"-style friends I'd like us to be, but I'm ready to try...And she's slowly starting to accept my trying. And that makes me feel more super than being a fake "hero" ever could!
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