Class Is In Session

You know, the more I think that I've got a handle on this "depression" thing, the more I realize that I have so much more to learn.  Today started off with a convo between my ex & myself.  Through talking with her I realized that we can't be friends right now...At least not in the way I thought we were going to be.  There's a few reasons for this...

1. I still haven't gotten to the point of forgiving myself yet. Right now I'm at the point where I realize & accept my mistakes, but I haven't forgiven myself yet and I need to do that if I'm ever going to get better.  Unless I truly accept that it's ok to be human and make mistakes (even big ones), then I'm never going to get past our breakup or my abuse or my inadequacy issues or any of the issues that rattle around in my head on a daily basis.

2. I need to be selfish.  That doesn't mean I need to be mean or a jerk or an asshole...But it does mean that my #1 focus on a daily basis needs to be my own healing and my own happiness.  

3. I need to stop being so damn clingy/needy with my ex!  Her involvement or approval in/of my life isn't a requirement of me getting healthy. I need to focus on me and not always be thinking about her. Just because we don't talk every single day doesn't mean that she doesn't love me or care about me, or that she's going to forget about me.  What it means is that she can't be my crutch right now.  It's not healthy for me or fair to her.  Basically whatever relationship/friendship we have or don't have after I go through this is gonna be what it's gonna be. But I can't make us be friends or make us be together again right now, and the more I try to hold onto her (out of a sense of guilt or fear or obligation or even love) the more frustrated she's going to get and eventually I'll drive her away forever. That was a hard lesson, but one I needed to hear.

After our talk, I received a few more inbox messages from listeners of the wrestling podcast.  Their stories encouraged me and reinforced the fact that I'm not alone in this.  Sure I have to walk this path on my own and do the work on my own...But there's plenty of people out there that care about me and that are there to lend support when necessary.  I learned some valuable lessons today.  It's not gonna be easy, but I have to do this if I want to be the healthy, happy, and honest guy I want to be.