For those of you that don't know me, the thing I love doing the most in this world is broadcasting. I've been involved in some form of radio or television broadcasting for over 15 years. I've won awards, received praise from the local press, and even done work in Japan & Canada.
My current passion/pastime/project is a podcast called "The Kings Of Sport" (www.thekingsofsport.com). I do the show along with my co-hosts Marcus Vanderberg of Yahoo Sports & Alfred Konuwa of Bleacher Report. We're on episode #7 and it took that long for me to finally get real.
On last night's show I talked about my very dark weekend that ended with a "suicide" attempt. I don't really know if I was trying to end my life that night, but I do know that I wanted the pain to stop. I do know that I wanted to go to sleep and I didn't really care if I woke up or not. I do know that I missed my ex-girlfriend terribly and that I felt she had lost faith in me and abandoned me. I do know that I was angry at her friends who thought I was a loser and joked that I should "just go kill myself and die". I do know that I was scared, and hurt, and frustrated, and lonely, and that I had lost all hope. I'm not saying what I did that night was right (I know that it was wrong, stupid, and selfish of me)...I'm just saying how I felt and what state of mind I was in.
Well, when I woke up that next morning I had tears on my face and I felt numb and out of sorts (probably from the nine beers and the handful of pain pills that I had taken before I went to bed). And when I was finally able to make it downstairs I called a good buddy of mine's wife and we talked for about an hour. Then I went online and my ex-girlfriend contacted me and we messaged each other off and on for the next 14 hours. I admitted my faults & mistakes, and she admitted hers. I said that I was stupid & selfish & wrong for what I did the night before, and she said that she was wrong for thinking that I would ever cheat on her. Then we got really-real. She tore me down and built me back up. She taught me many hard lessons about myself (many of which can be seen on my Twitter page @N8Mozaik). She told me that she still loved me (even though I think she's no longer IN love with me) and that she prays for me often. I told her that I still loved her too (FTR, I think I am still IN love with her) and I wanted her to be happy, even if she had to be happy without me. We made peace and became friends...Real friends. And it felt good. We're not all the way there yet, she still can't quite bear to hear my voice & I really can't bear to hear about the new guy she's dating...But we'll get there eventually.
Then, I went on the podcast and was honest with my co-hosts, the listeners, and myself for maybe the first time in my life. You can check out what I said in the video, and I meant every word of it. Today I sent that clip to my sister and we're going to talk later tonight. I also made an appointment with a therapist, so I got that goin' for me...Which is nice. So that's where I stand right now. I'm not really feeling good, but I'm not feeling bad and hopeless either. I'm just ok. And ok is an alright place to be right now.
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