Ego-Trippin'

So, I guess the universe's big lesson for me today is that I have an ego problem.  Apparently I tend to dominate conversations and frequently sprinkle in comments about how great I am or how good I am or whatever.  That might be true, but to be honest I find it kinda comical.

Is it possible to truly have a big ego AND extremely low self-esteem at the same time?  Maybe that's a question to bring up in my next therapy session.  I mean, obviously there are some things I'm proud of.  I'm a damn-good broadcaster, a pretty good writer, a good uncle, and generally a kind-hearted person.  But I'm also a person with incredible insecurities & fears. It still amazes me that I was able to get a woman like my ex to fall in love with me.  She was beautiful and smart and funny...And I'm short, fat, broke, & Black.  She actually said I was the standard that she would measure all of her future boyfriends by.  I find that hard to believe, but it's a nice sentiment.  And I'm pretty sure that every woman I meet from now on will have the unfair task of trying to live up to my "Canadian Wifey".  

I guess she & her friends think that I'm worthless and stupid and a loser.  They feel that I have a negative influence on her life.  I guess that's fair.  My friends keep telling me that she's confused and needs time to heal.  That I'm being too hard on myself when it comes to her unhappiness with me.  I know it's not healthy to have so much of my self-worth wrapped up in one person, but for whatever reason letting go of her has and will probably continue to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

All I know is that this shit is mind-numbingly confusing.  How am I supposed to start feeling better about myself and my life if people accuse me of being egotistical when I start to do so???  It doesn't compute for me.  Then again, maybe it's not ALL about me...Maybe this is about her as well.  She's had a rough life and been through a few bad relationships.  She needs a lot of love & attention, and maybe there just wasn't enough attention to go around when we were both in the same room.  Maybe she needs a guy that's more confident/comfortable in his own skin, a guy that can focus on her needs.  And maybe I need a girl that is more patient and realizes that I am a work in progress.  A girl that knows that I'm worth waiting for and one that can love me despite my faults.  Maybe we had a good relationship in spite of ourselves.  Maybe this thing was doomed to fail from the start.  Who knows. All I know is that we did (and maybe still do) have deep love for one another, but personality-wise we're not a good fit right now (maybe we never were).

The only thing I'm certain of right now?  I'm gettin' drunk as a skunk tonight...Lol!