Deus "EX" Machina

So...It finally happened.  It may not have happened in the way I imagined it, or the way I would have wanted it to.  But it happened.  I am no longer IN love with my ex!!!  I mean I still love her (that may never go away)...But my desire to be with her again is probably dead & gone forever (or at least greatly diminished). 

Let me set the scene.  The last two nights have been really rough for some reason.  I was really missing her & "us".  I felt that I'm on my way to becoming a better man...The man that she wants & needs.  She's been through too many bad relationships and I really wanted to be the guy that finally made her complete.  It seemed like anytime my brain got some free time, my thoughts immediately went to her.  I would close my eyes and imagine holding her one more time.  Kissing her on her forehead, stroking her hair, telling her that she was the most beautiful and funny and intelligent woman in the world.  That I finally started getting real and I was back to make her as happy as she could ever dream of being.  Now, intellectually I knew that those thoughts weren't healthy...But the heart wants what the heart wants.  So after praying & exercising, & working on my podcast, I decided to get drunk to drown out the visions of my ex that were dancing in my head.  Well that was like pouring gasoline on a damn campfire...Lol!

Before you know it, I had gone and done the unthinkable...I sent her a message on Facebook (I know, right?)!  It was a bad idea, but I didn't know where else to turn. The first week without her was relatively easy...But the last two nights were unbearable. It was like I had all this built-up pressure and I had to break the emergency glass and release that pressure.  Well anyways, she contacted me tonight and she was pretty nice and cordial...But she was also very distant and super-detached.  This was the woman who wanted to marry me 3 months ago?  This was the woman that wanted to get back together 2 months ago??  This was the woman that told me a month ago that she loved & cared about me and would do anything to make me feel better???  I don't know what happened to that woman...But this chick tonight was someone completely different.

But you know what...She ended up helping me after all.  I don't know if she planned it (she is fairly brilliant), or if it was just another one of the happy coincidences/divine interventions that defined our relationship...But it worked.  Her words hit me like a slap in the face and they made me livid!  I have never been so angry with her.  I went to my e-mail account and wrote her a scathing letter that I'll never send (a trick she taught me), and then I worked out for an hour.  After a while the anger started to fade, and all that was left was a fire in my belly.  I finally have the motivation & desire needed to do this without a woman who was such a big part of my world.  I'll always have a place in my heart for her. But if she (or anyone else) isn't ready to be a part of "Team Nate" and be a friend/ally/supporter to me during this process, they can kiss my shrinking-by-the-day Black ass...Lol!  I'm a good man.  And in 9 months or 16 months or however long this process takes, I'm gonna be a great man.  Maybe she'll get to meet that great man one day (I'd really like that)...Maybe she won't.  Either way, I've got to really focus on Nate's needs.  I'm done trying to please others.  I'm finally ready to start being a warrior.  And I'm not fighting for money, or fame, or for a woman...I'm fighting for myself.  It sucks that someone I adored so much apparently thinks so little of me...But in her own roundabout way she gave me a great gift tonight.  She gave me license to truly be self-centered and focus on my healing.  It's all about me right now.  It's a new day...And after 25 years of wallowing, I'm finally ready to get out there and start living!

BTW - I LOVE this song, but what the hell is up with this video?!?

***Update***

We had a pretty good conversation about 3 hours after I posted this.  She actually told me that occasionally she misses me.  My mind is blown.  And while that revelation changes my earlier thoughts about her...It doesn't change the fact that I need to be fully invested in the business of improving my mental health and becoming a more open & honest person.  She's a great girl who deserves great things.  And in my perfect world, I'd be the guy to help provide her those great things.  But this is the real world.  And in the real world she's gotta take care of her, I've gotta take care of me...And everything else will work out the way it's supposed to. 

Talking To Ghosts

So...The past couple of days have been interesting.
First of all, I've been exercising more.  Tonight marked the 12th consecutive day that I've worked out for at least 20 minutes a day.  Now that may not sound like much, but it's actually a pretty big step for me.  I think I've probably lost at least 7 pounds (I don't own a scale)...But my body is slowly starting to look better (either that or my self-esteem/image is improving).  I've also been hot on the trail of a new job.  I walked down to a local restaurant today and turned in my resume (after apparently slamming the door in the owner's face...Lol!).  So we'll see where that leads.  Also, my sports podcast got it's first sponsor after only 9 shows...Which is pretty freakin' cool.

Finally I had a few interesting conversations tonight.  Conversations with people that don't actually exist.  I mean they used to exist, but they're not here anymore.  The first convo was with 9 year-old Nate.  I told him that I was sorry that I wasn't there to protect him.  I told him that he didn't do anything wrong.  That he was a smart, funny, loving kid that got stuck in a bad situation.  I hugged him in my mind.  I gave him the hug that I always wanted from my Pops or from my Moms after the abuse occurred.  I told him that he turned out okay and that no matter what, I wasn't going to let what happened to him go unnoticed.  That I was going to be a better man for him and for myself. 

The second convo I had was with my ex, or rather my ex from about 16 months ago.  I went back into our Facebook conversations and read some messages from her during our happier times.  I smiled & laughed & even cried.  Her words back then were so loving & affirming (even to this day).  She really did love me.  Despite my flaws, despite my job status, despite my height/weight...She really did love me.  That was something that I already kinda knew, but it made me feel good re-reading those messages.  She may not like me right now...But I know that the woman that wrote those messages still probably has a fond place in her heart & mind for me, all things considered.  So I told my "ex" that I was sorry I couldn't be the guy I am now back then.  I thanked her for making me feel like the most special man on the planet...And then I had a smoke and watched Blade: Trinity...Lol!

Talking to these "ghosts" was nice & heart-warming & melancholy all at the same time.  I weep for that little boy...But there's nothing I can do now to save him.  I feel bad that I let that wonderful woman down...But I can't change the past.  All I can do is work on myself.  Try to heal those scars, try to be honest, and try to be better.  Talking to ghosts is cool for a night...But when it's over, I still have to LIVE.  I still have to make things right.  I still have to be a better man for the Nate that exists right now, and for any woman I may love in the future.  I don't know if what I did tonight was good or therapeutic or lame...I just know that it was necessary for me right now.  I'm gonna get better & I'm gonna be happy...But I still needed to make peace with those people that aren't able to make this journey with me.  It's a sobering thought (I've been drinking, BTW)...But it's also a valuable life-lesson.

Forgive But Don't Forget

So, this morning it finally happened.  After weeks and months and even years of being stubborn, I finally did it.  I finally forgave myself.

As a Christian I've always understood the concept of forgiveness for others...It's a necessary part of life.  You can't hold on to all of the anger & hate & bitterness because of what others have done to you.  But I've never really been able to forgive myself.  I always felt I should be better than other people, that I shouldn't make the same mistakes or have the same feelings of anger or selfishness as everyone else.  This morning something just clicked in my mind and in my heart and I finally was able to say "It's ok, Nate. You're not perfect.  You did the best you could.  You had the best of intentions...I forgive you.".

Now that doesn't mean that I don't have to take responsibility for my actions...But it does mean that I don't have to beat myself up any longer.   Sure I've had jobs that haven't worked out.  Sure I've had friendships that have fizzled out.  Sure I've had relationships that didn't end the way I wanted them to.  But none of that happened because I was a bad guy.  It happened because I was unequipped at that time to be the employee or be the friend or be the boyfriend that those situations called for.  Do I still feel bad about that stuff...Of course.  But there's no value in beating myself up for not performing in situations I didn't know how to deal with yet.

I was playing a basketball video-game the other night & a quote came on the screen that made me chuckle & nod approvingly.  It said, "Life is the only teacher that gives you the test first and the lesson later".  How fuckin' true is that?!?!?  I may have failed those earlier tests in my life...But that doesn't mean that I'm incapable of learning the lessons. 

BTW, the video doesn't really have anything to do with my epiphany today...I just like the song & love the video!

Round 1

So I had my first therapy session on Monday...And it went really well!

Through talking with my therapist I realized that everything that I do to this day is connected to my abuse incident...And it isn't.  The abuse isn't completely the reason why I am the way that I am...But it had a huge impact on the man that I am today.  My session also shed insight on the relationships that I have with my parents, my sister, my friends & co-workers, and with my ex.

And speaking of my ex...We've decided to go on "Radio Silence"-mode for a few months.  I realize now that I was leaning on her way too much for support/strength.  And while she was willing to do that because she cares about me, it wasn't really fair to her or even to myself.  She needs time to process our break-up & focus on her own life & happiness.  And I need to do the same.

I also realized that being smart and taking the proverbial field goal or punting for better field position isn't a sign of weakness or a hallmark of being a punk.  The real punk move is going for it on 4th & 25 because of a false sense of bravado.  That's what got me to this point, and I'm never doing that again.

So anyways...This is round 1 of the fight of my life.  Round 1 of the fight FOR my life.  I've got therapy scheduled for twice a month and me & my counselor are really gonna go to work on the issues that have been holding me back my entire life.  It's not gonna be easy, but it's worth it.  I'M worth it...And I will come out victorious in this fight!

What A Difference A Week Makes

Last Saturday night at around this time I was having arguably the worst night of my life.  It was a night filled with mental anguish, self-doubt, extreme loneliness and unbelievable hopelessness.  I sank to a deep dark place that I didn't think I could ever climb out of.  I did something extremely stupid to end my pain...And it's only by the grace of God that I'm typing this right now.

This Saturday I am still sad...But I'm not hopeless or defeated.  I know that last week's dumb decision may have been the action that cost me my life...But because it didn't succeed I now have a chance to make my life the best it can possibly be.  I now realize that I'm not worthless.  I realize that I don't have to be perfect.  I realize that being "single" doesn't mean that I'm alone or that I'm incapable of being loved again.  I also realized that life is much harder than I thought...But it can also be more beautiful and rewarding than I ever imagined.

Next week is going to be tough for me.  I start therapy, I start getting really real, and I start letting go.  My ex said that she would try to call me on Monday so that we can say our "goodbyes" (see you laters?  ta-ta for nows?).  I hope she decides to call.  There's so many things I want to say, and a few questions that I need to ask, but most of all I just want to hear her voice.  I want her to tell me that it's going to be alright and that I'm strong enough to go on this journey without her holding my hand.  I really love her, and if I had my wish she'd be waiting for me at the summit once I climbed this mountain.  But that's not up to me.  I can't make this journey all about her.  Sure re-uniting with the love of my life as a better man (Nate Version 2.0?) would be a dream come true and a wonderful reward for the hard and frightening work ahead.  But life doesn't work like that.  Who knows how long this process is going to take.  She may have a new boyfriend, or be remarried by then.  Hell, even if she's single she may not want to have anything to do with me!  So while I love & cherish her and our time together, that can't be my driving force.  My driving force has to be me.  I have to be healthy & happy.  I can't tie all of my self-esteem into whether I have a good job or a nice car or a pretty girl on my arm.  It's gotta be about what's inside me.I know that now.

So right now I'm settling into my "base camp".  The journey has already started, but the climb begins on Monday.  I think I'm ready.  This is going to be the hardest, most difficult, most grown-ass man shit I've ever done...But it's worth it.  One day I'm going to look back at this period of my life like a bad dream.  One day I'm going to be happy and wonder why I was so down all the time.  And one day Saturday will be "date night" for my wife & I (whomever she may be), instead of the somber anniversary that it is right now.  They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I don't know if I really believe that...But I do know that once I'm finished with this process, I'm gonna be one heck of a strong guy!  And that thought gives me comfort for today and hope for the future.

Class Is In Session

You know, the more I think that I've got a handle on this "depression" thing, the more I realize that I have so much more to learn.  Today started off with a convo between my ex & myself.  Through talking with her I realized that we can't be friends right now...At least not in the way I thought we were going to be.  There's a few reasons for this...

1. I still haven't gotten to the point of forgiving myself yet. Right now I'm at the point where I realize & accept my mistakes, but I haven't forgiven myself yet and I need to do that if I'm ever going to get better.  Unless I truly accept that it's ok to be human and make mistakes (even big ones), then I'm never going to get past our breakup or my abuse or my inadequacy issues or any of the issues that rattle around in my head on a daily basis.

2. I need to be selfish.  That doesn't mean I need to be mean or a jerk or an asshole...But it does mean that my #1 focus on a daily basis needs to be my own healing and my own happiness.  

3. I need to stop being so damn clingy/needy with my ex!  Her involvement or approval in/of my life isn't a requirement of me getting healthy. I need to focus on me and not always be thinking about her. Just because we don't talk every single day doesn't mean that she doesn't love me or care about me, or that she's going to forget about me.  What it means is that she can't be my crutch right now.  It's not healthy for me or fair to her.  Basically whatever relationship/friendship we have or don't have after I go through this is gonna be what it's gonna be. But I can't make us be friends or make us be together again right now, and the more I try to hold onto her (out of a sense of guilt or fear or obligation or even love) the more frustrated she's going to get and eventually I'll drive her away forever. That was a hard lesson, but one I needed to hear.

After our talk, I received a few more inbox messages from listeners of the wrestling podcast.  Their stories encouraged me and reinforced the fact that I'm not alone in this.  Sure I have to walk this path on my own and do the work on my own...But there's plenty of people out there that care about me and that are there to lend support when necessary.  I learned some valuable lessons today.  It's not gonna be easy, but I have to do this if I want to be the healthy, happy, and honest guy I want to be. 

Timing Is Everything

So I had a really good day yesterday...Well, most of it.  My parents and I went out to dinner and we talked and laughed and had a really nice time as 3 adults...Something that rarely happens.  Then we went out for ice-cream and as pathetic as that sounds, it was really sweet (my parent not the ice-cream, although I guess that was sweet too).  Then I came home to a flood of Twitter/Facebook messages from lots of listeners to the wrestling podcast I did yesterday.  They were so supportive and genuine and real and honest that I kinda got overwhelmed and I went for some beer (first mistake).  It's the first time I've touched alcohol since Saturday, and after what happened later it may be my last time for a long while.

So anyways, I get back and I'm writing back & forth with these guys and having a really positive night.  So Drunk Nate (Negative Nate's cousin) whispers in my ear "you should check in on her" (second mistake).  Apparently she and the new guy split up and I'd done a reasonably good job of staying out of it and just being there to support her for the past two days but something was different last night.  It started off really great as I was able to really be there for her.  Not only that, I was able to finally get some things off my chest like how I was still in love with her and deep down in the back of my mind I wished that we could get back together once I've gone through my process (even though I KNOW that's a pipe-dream).  I also told her how I had never loved any woman as much as I loved her and that maybe one day we could be those Troi-Riker kinda friends.  In addition to that I was helping to cheer her up by reminding her how great and special she was and everything seemed cool.  We were cool, we were really cool.  This was what I had been waiting and hoping and dreaming about all week, "Nate & The Ex...Best Pals"...And then it happened.

I still don't know what happened in those last 45 minutes that were different from the previous 3 and a half hours.  Either something in me changed (maybe I was spending too much time trying to "help" her and not enough time listening to her and just letting her be sad), or in her (maybe she realized that even though we still love each other, I'm as much a part of the problem right now as I am a solution), or the situation just is what it is (maybe exes usually aren't friends for a reason).  All I know is that I upset her and added to her bad night instead of helping make it better.  She said I made it about myself (I'm assuming that just happened in the last 45 minutes) and I don't know how I did that, but maybe she's right.  Maybe me & her being friends is really about the guilt I feel for letting her down.  She will often throw the fact that I was the one who broke up with her in my face.  And while that may be factually true, I don't know if she realizes that that was a choice made out of fear & anger & hurt.  Besides, we were going to break up eventually and I'm still glad if it had to end we did it face to face.  So am I being nice to her just to make myself feel better?  Maybe...I don't think so, but maybe she's right (she usually is).  But can't I want to make up for my mistakes AND genuinely want to be her friend at the same time?  I don't get this at all. 

What I do get is that I ended up making her bad day worse, and that's not ok.  What I do know is that after 3 amazing hours of conversation I went through 45 extremely uncomfortable & powerless minutes, and I went to bed confused and unhappy...And that's not ok.  What I do know is that I'm still in love with her, and while I can't change my feelings it's not fair to her or me to try to force a friendship while I'm still healing & going through my process.  Feelings are funny and tricky.  I don't really know how to think or act with anybody right now...Especially her.  Maybe my appointment on Monday will help with that...I hope so. I don't know if me & her are ever going to be able to be friends.  I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to shake this "being in love with her" thing.  I just know that I want to be in her life even if it's a small capacity.  I want her to feel like she can lean on me like I've leaned on her in the past.  I know that if I work out all my bullshit we could probably be pretty cool resources in each other's lives, you know?  A good friend of the opposite sex that knows you better than you know yourself.  Someone who's seen all your crap and can give you real-talk and real advice on how not to screw up another relationship?  That shit sounds pretty sweet to me. 

So there's a lot of things swirling around in my head right now.  Some thing's I'm sure of , some things I kinda get, and somethings that I have absolutely no clue about.  But I do know one thing...Last night I should have stopped talking to her about and hour earlier than I did!  That and I probably shouldn't drink anymore for a long while.