I've always liked this scene from "The Wiz" (the Black adaptation of "The Wizard Of Oz" for those not in the know). A young Michael Jackson plays The Scarecrow. Unlike the original movie, Jackson's Scarecrow isn't so much dumb, but negative, naive, and besieged by his eternal enemies (some ghetto crow-people...Yeah, this movie got made somehow!). Well, around this time 4 months ago this was pretty close to how I felt. I was about as low as I've ever been. I felt powerless & paranoid. Surrounded by enemies (both real & imagined), betrayed by friends, and attacked by my own negative thoughts. It was like a sick game that my mind would play with my heart. Frequently I would diminish the good things in my life or the praise I got from my family, friends, and co-workers. It was nice to hear...But to my broken psyche they were hollow words that couldn't fill the hole in my soul. Instead my mind would reject the positivity and instead absorb all of the negative things in my life and use them as ammunition to attack myself and continue the same vicious cycle that I had ben repeating for the past 25 years.
But now with a few months of perspective and clarity under my belt; I know that everything really does happen for a reason. Everyone goes through hard times, the important thing -What defines our character - is how you respond. I can honestly say for most of my life I didn't handle adversity well. I usually kept everything inside and tried to drink and/or smoke the pain away. It was effective to some degree, but ultimately nothing got solved by doing that. Today I'm smarter, stronger, and healthier (mentally & physically) than I've ever been. I've taken my fair share of hits, but I'm working hard to no longer let those losses define me. I realize that I CAN win (or at least break even)...And I've finally checked myself out of the game.
They say it's always darkest before the dawn...And maybe they're right. I don't know what life has in store for me, but I know that I have better days ahead. Onward & Upward...I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!
Welp...Another year, another birthday. What does it all mean (besides being another year closer to the grave)? 35 was an interesting year for me. It was filled with ups & downs, great revelations, devastating losses, and a lateral career move (Literally...No BS. My new job is right across the parking lot from my old one!). One of the things my Pops always recommends is taking stock in your life, and he's partial to Pro/Con lists. So as I turn 36 (4 years away from 40...I'm almost officially 'The Old Man In The Club'...Lol!), here's where I see myself after the events of the past 365 days.
Cons:
1.) My Carer Path - Another year came & went with little forward momentum on the job front. Other than my seasonal television work, the only other forms of employment I had last year were all of the fast food variety. At this point in my life, I should be beyond this. That's not to say that there's anything wrong with the food service industry. It's an honest day's work for an honest day's pay (granted the pay is super-low, but low-money's better than no money!), and in this economy simply having a job is a blessing. But with my experience I should be doing better. Thankfully I think I finally got the kick in the butt I needed to stop selling myself short. Yes I've got to work fast food for the time being until I can get back on my feet...But I truly feel like 36 will be the year that changes the course of my career path for good.
2.) My Ontario Odyssey - Hoo-boy, where do I start? This was perhaps the most emotionally & financially draining venture of my life! While there were some positives that came out of the move (I'll get to that later), for the most part it was a huge gamble that didn't pay off. Not only did I lose the love of my life and let down three people that I cared deeply for, not only did I lose some respect in the eyes of my parents, not only did I have to come back to America with my tail tucked in-between my legs...But it all happened so suddenly & without warning. My ex & I had been planning this dream life for 18 months, and it only took 5 weeks to destroy it! One of the biggest regrets of my life. What makes it even more painful is that we're not even friends anymore. You're talking about two people that were inseparable for nearly two years and then one day out of the blue we just stopped speaking. I guess all things happen for a reason, and maybe she was never meant to be "The One". As much as it hurts to say, maybe she was just placed in my life to lead me to the point where I could admit my abuse & then - her mission accomplished - she ascended back to whatever cotton candy-filled cloud she came down from in the first place...I was totally kidding about that last part. Clouds aren't made of cotton candy...They're made from marshmallows (everybody knows that!). But I guess I'd sum up my experience in the Great White North with the words of Ghandi (or Dave Chappelle quoting Ghandi), "When you lose, don't lose the lesson".
Pros:
1.) My Weight Loss - For most of the year, my weight hovered at or above 250 pounds. I tried to work out, but stress at work + late hours + the general unhappiness of my life equaled a sad fat man. I finally started working out in earnest about 3 months ago and I sit here this afternoon at a svelte 230 lbs! My goal is to be under 200 by the end of the year. I haven't been this motivated to work out in a long time and along with the health benefits, it's actually providing a slight boost to my self-esteem (which is always nice)!
2.) Finally Admitting My Abuse - The incident that re-wired my brain and changed the course of my life has always been like this anchor that has dragged down every aspect of my life. The worst part about it was that I didn't even know it was affecting me. That changed one night during an argument with my ex where she finally got me to admit what happened to me 26 years ago. Finally admitting that has been a blessing & a curse. It's really great that I've been able to let go of this secret and start working towards living a healthy & happy life...But this stuff is way harder than I ever imagined it would be! It's bad enough my abuse has cost me jobs, friendships, and the love of my life...But having to dig back through my past in therapy is really painful. I know it's part of the healing process, but this is like pouring a bottle of Bactine in an open wound (my 30+ crowd will get the Bactine reference...lol!). But I guess you've got to go through it to get to it.
3.) Lessons Learned From Canada - Even though it ended terribly, my relationship with my ex/my brief time in Canada did provide me with a lot of positive moments and lessons over the past year. I've never been in a relationship that's lasted over 3 months, so not only did I smash my personal best...But I learned that being in a loving, committed relationship can be very rewarding. I also learned that I can be in a relationship with a smart/pretty/funny/caring woman and I'm good enough for her just by being me. I don't have to always try so hard to be funny or charming or cool...Silly-ass Nate is worthy of love just by virtue of being myself. I also learned that honesty is always the best policy. Even if you lose the girl by being honest, it's better than lying. Besides, if your love is real the truth can only strengthen it.
I also learned that I don't have to stay in Virginia for the rest of my life. I've always had this notion in my head that I was never good enough to make it anywhere else...That if I left the confines of the Commonwealth terrible no-good very bad things would happen to me. Not only did I leave Virginia...I left the whole doggone country! I made 4 international flights last year, I got a passport, I dealt with customs, I KILLED it on TSN Radio, I left the safety net that I had built down here and chased after a dream and nothing bad happened to me (other than the whole losing my soulmate forever thing, but I digress)! The important thing is that now I have the knowledge & confidence to leave Virginia in order to make one last pursuit of my career goals. I don't know where I'll go once I get back on my feet...LA, Charlotte, Atlanta, who knows. What I do know is that I'm talented enough to succeed if I come up with a smart game-plan, stop being afraid, and go after my dream job!
The last positive lesson that I learned from Canada is that I'm worthy of happiness. For so long I've felt unworthy of love & happiness. My interactions with Canada showed me that I'm a smart, funny, talented, caring, loyal dude that is deserving of love, deserving of career success, and deserving of happiness...I just gotta be honest, be brave, and be myself!
4.) My Podcast - I love it! Not only does it provide me with a weekly stress-reliever, not only is it slowly but surely starting to gain an audience, but it's also introduced me to two really cool cats that I can honestly call friends. I'm not used to having real friends. I've always been more of an acquaintance-hoarder...But creating genuine friendships has been super hard for me. Now that my ex is out of the picture, I can count the number of true "flesh & blood" friends I have on one hand...That's kind of a sad statistic, but I'm thankful for their camaraderie & companionship. If it weren't for them, this whole re-adjusting to America process would have driven me crazy (crazier...Lol!).
So...What have I learned from the past year?
I learned that life is way harder, but also way more beautiful than I ever knew it could be. I learned that being in love is kinda amazing & losing love really sucks...But neither one is a matter of life & death. I learned that taking chances can be fun. I learned that I sell myself way too short. I learned that my past doesn't have to define my future. I learned that win, lose, or draw, the Sun always rises. And finally, I learned that no matter what you do time keeps on moving forward. No matter how much I think about the past or look forward to the future...I've got to live in the present. I've got to be fully immersed in the now if I truly want to get the most out of my life. So goodbye 35...Thanks for the memories & the lessons. 36...Bring it on!
You know, I've always been of the opinion that words are some of the most powerful things on Earth. They have the power to create & the potential to destroy. They can be used to build someone up just as easily as they can be used to tear them down. They can be used to uplift...And also used to oppress.
In the wake of the George Zimmerman verdict, and the media's firestorm of bloviation and blindness to the feelings of many within the Black community, a number of thoughtful and thought-provoking essays, articles, and blogs were written about the topic (present company included...Lol!). I don't know if any of these pieces will lead to really conversation & real change...but it's a start.
Anyways, I saw a poem today that was both touching and provacative. I dug it, so I figured I'd share the link: "Little Black Boy Wonder" . I thought it was pretty powerful, and a fitting tribute/post-script to Trayvon Martin's life & death.
In other news...I've FINALLY got a job!!! My life's been in a continuous state of disarray ever since I returned home from Canada, and not being able to go to work definitely contributed to the chaos. Being able to get out of the house on a regular basis will definitely go a long way towards helping me to heal. Even though the job's not glamorous or exciting, it'll be good just to have a daily purpose again. Besides, I miss being a part of a team and interacting with co-workers...Who knows, maybe I'll even find a Spottieottiedopaliscious lady-friend or two. It's not likely, but a brother can dream...Lol!
Welp...Now that the nation has had a week to digest the verdict of the George Zimmerman murder trial, I think I'll finally share my thoughts on the matter....
I was surprised at the "Not Guilty" verdict, but not shocked. There were so many moving parts in this case that if any one of those parts fell through, the whole case could be compromised. The state may have aimed too high with a 2nd-Degree Murder charge...But for Zimmerman to walk away scot-free seems extremely unsettling, specially to a lot of African-Americans.
The night of the verdict, I took to Twitter to deliver a pointed, but honest assessment of the events of the evening: "To my White friends & family, nights like tonight are why your Black friends may seem angry, paranoid, agitated, 'uppity', or even defeated at times.". I know that statement may have ruffled some feathers...But as I've learned recently, it's not my responsibility to worry about how others deal with the truth. What matters most is that I finally speak it.
THIS is the reality that a lot of us Black & Brown folks deal with on a day to day basis. Not only do we deal with the same trials & tribulations that everyone has to go through, not only do we face the same feelings of pain & self-doubt that everyone struggles with. But we also have to deal with a country that fundamentally has never really figured out how to deal with people of (any) color. Sure we are tolerated, but I don't feel that Black, Brown, or even poor White folks have ever been wholly accepted by America. It's a systemic problem that generally only gets lip service from those in power.
Sure, America LOVES Black culture --They'll copy it, assimilate it, and even profit off of it-- But it's the Black people that some seem have a problem with. Oh they like Black celebrities...But there's a fundamental lack of respect for average everyday hard-working Black Americans. Not every Black person can sing or dance or tell a joke or dunk a basketball...But that does not mean that they don't matter. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness" should not be the exclusive right/privilege of wealthy White folks.
Now it's not just the fault of the corporate elite in this country...Black & Brown folks frankly need to do better. We need to be better students, better parents, better husbands & wives, better workers, etc. But the problem arises when you do all of that, and you still end up on the bottom looking up. Going to work every day waiting for something to break your way, waiting for some good fortune to "trickle down" from the top. Now some on the Right might see that as the views of an entitled person, someone looking for a handout. But I think I can safely speak for all hard-working, law-abiding, citizens (of any color)...We don't want a hand-out, we simply want an opportunity. An opportunity to show what we can do, an opportunity to be judged by our work & not by our pigmentation, an opportunity to live the life that every hard-working American should have access to.
What the Zimmerman trial verdict signified to a lot of Black people is that we are still somewhat marginalized citizens. Sure the outright and overt racism of pre-1970's America has largely dissipated, but the antiquated attitudes of that era are still held by many of the money-takers and decision-makers. To have people actually go on TV and blame Trayvon Martin for the events that led to his death is pretty appalling. So the guy with a weapon can stand his ground, but the kid trying to get home to his family can't? The other thing that disturbed me was the attempt to characterize Trayvon as a "Thug". If occasionally smoking weed, disrespecting adults, posting somewhat inappropriate pictures of yourself online, and having an inflated opinion of yourself makes you a thug...Then I know plenty of White thugs (most of them college-aged girls...Lol!). People act as if they weren't knuckleheads at 17 (and 27, and 37, and beyond). We don't know what this kid could have become. He could have become a productive member of the community, a good husband, a good father. Unfortunately we'll never know. The other thing that kind of annoys me is people that would wish to put 100% of the burden for change on Black folks. Fox News and the (mostly) old-guard of the Republican Party love to bring up the issue of Black-on-Black crime when it suits their arguments...But outside of that, they act like they couldn't care any less about the thousands of young Black males that are victims of violent crime every year. Do Black people need to do better? Absolutely...But that doesn't exonerate White folks from their responsibility either. For Black & Brown people to live up to their full potential, we need to be more accountable for our actions AND White folks need to realize how some of their decisions have brought America to the place we are right now. The current state of socio-economic affairs in this country is not an either/or situation...And we need an all of the above solution.
The bottom line is that George Zimmerman was tried and found "not guilty" (but not exactly "innocent" per se) by a jury of his peers. And while I do not agree with the verdict, I respect it. It's how our judicial system works. Sure the legal system in America has plenty of flaws, but it's still our system...And I wouldn't trade it for any other system in the world. The question now is where do we go from here? Do we allow cases like this to further divide our country, or do we FINALLY start having some real conversations with each other? Do we finally have frank conversations about race & class & poverty & gun violence in this country? I think communication and empathy are the keys to unity. We cannot start to heal as a nation until we begin to talk TO each other & not merely AT each other. In the words of President Obama (who made some particularly thoughtful comments about the subject yesterday)...This is a "Teachable Moment". The question is, what will we learn from it? Will we learn to com together, or will we continue to teach the next generation our petty lessons of hate & fear & insensitivity? For the sake of my nieces (and maybe my future kids), I hope so. We've got to find a way to get along. We've got to find a way to not only survive...But thrive as a nation. There's been a lot of controversy about the "Justice For Trayvon Martin" movement...But I think that "Justice" extends beyond the actual verdict. The "Justice" lies in making sure that a young man didn't die in vain. None of us really knows what happened that night...But what we do know is that we all can do a batter job at loving our fellow man. We all can do a better job at communicating with people who are different from us. This case was a sad story on all sides...But what would truly be sad is if we don't learn from this and grow as a country. Rest In Peace, Trayvon. Hopefully American can use your tragic death as a springboard to a new life in this great nation. P.E.A.C.E. - Positive Energy Activates Constant Elevation
So I've been eating a lot of Chinese food lately, and with Chinese food comes fortune cookies. I don't know who first came up with the idea (and I can't be bothered to Wikapedia it right now)...But fortune cookies are an awesome gimmick! Not only do you get to eat a sweet (albeit slightly stale) cookie...But you get a sentence or two of potentially life-altering wisdom to boot!
I've collected a handful of the "best" fortunes and I'm going to share them with you. I'm gonna rate the validity/usefulness of the fortunes on a scale of 1-5 pieces of General Tso's chicken. Like to hear it...Here it goes!
* Fortune #1: "Leadership is action, not position"
- I completely agree with this fortune. There's much more to being a boss than a title. True leadership requires vision, service, compassion, courage, and conviction.
Rating: 4 pieces of chicken.
*Fortune #2: "Inspiration is within...It's time to go deep"
- This is vague. It's kinda true, but also pretty weak as far as fortunes go. This reminds me of that Simpson's episode where thy had a barrel of "Leave your wife" fortunes sitting next to a barrel of "Work it out" fortunes. Boooo!
Rating: 2 pieces of chicken. * Fortune #3: "In the near future, you will discover how fortunate you are"
- Meh. I guess it's true, but you could also gt hit by a bus next week. This is one of this "hedging your bets" fortunes. It's not terrible, but it's not exactly enlightening either.
Rating: 2 1/2 pieces of chicken. * Fortune #4: "Judge each day not by the harvest that you reap, but by the seeds that you plant"
- Amen! This is something that I'm learning each & everyday. Everyday I may not get a huge victory...But i can grow and learn and set the stage for those victories. Patience is a virtue.
Rating: 5 deliciously sweet pieces of chicken
So...What have we learned from this little excersise? We learned that Chinese food is scrum-diddly-umptious. We learned that fortune cookie fortunes are pretty hit & miss, and we learned that I have waaaaaayyy too much time on my hands...Lol!
So, the moment that I had been dreading for nearly two years finally occurred...My ex & I finally went our separate ways. And nothing happened!
The Earth didn't spin off of it's axis, the Sun still came up, the birds still chirped...And I woke up. I just experienced one of the most painful days of my life, and I made it out relatively unscathed. I mean my heart still aches, but that will pass in time. The important thing is that I realized that as much as I loved my ex, I don't need her (or any other person) to survive.
Last night was pretty interesting. I'm not exactly proud of my behavior (killing a 12-pack, going H.A.M. all over social media, and engaging my ex in one last argument), but it is what it is (or it was what it was). What I am proud of is the chats I had with some of my friends. As you may know, being honest & vulnerable with other people has never been my strong suit, but last night I had some really affirming chats with people I trust. I realized that with or without her, I'm a good guy. My self-worth is not dependent on validation from females or from employers or even from my parents. I'm good enough just because I'm me.
Besides introspection, today's been all about hangin' with my nieces. I've always gotten along really well with kids (probably something related to my abuse), and sometimes I think the only people on the planet that truly get me are all 15-25 years younger than me! Anyways, we've spent the afternoon watching TV & playing Uno and joking and eating Chinese food (which was extra good since it's the first thing I've eaten in a day & a half).
All in all, not a bad way to spend the first day of the rest of my life!
#TeamMilton
So, I guess the universe's big lesson for me today is that I have an ego problem. Apparently I tend to dominate conversations and frequently sprinkle in comments about how great I am or how good I am or whatever. That might be true, but to be honest I find it kinda comical.
Is it possible to truly have a big ego AND extremely low self-esteem at the same time? Maybe that's a question to bring up in my next therapy session. I mean, obviously there are some things I'm proud of. I'm a damn-good broadcaster, a pretty good writer, a good uncle, and generally a kind-hearted person. But I'm also a person with incredible insecurities & fears. It still amazes me that I was able to get a woman like my ex to fall in love with me. She was beautiful and smart and funny...And I'm short, fat, broke, & Black. She actually said I was the standard that she would measure all of her future boyfriends by. I find that hard to believe, but it's a nice sentiment. And I'm pretty sure that every woman I meet from now on will have the unfair task of trying to live up to my "Canadian Wifey".
I guess she & her friends think that I'm worthless and stupid and a loser. They feel that I have a negative influence on her life. I guess that's fair. My friends keep telling me that she's confused and needs time to heal. That I'm being too hard on myself when it comes to her unhappiness with me. I know it's not healthy to have so much of my self-worth wrapped up in one person, but for whatever reason letting go of her has and will probably continue to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
All I know is that this shit is mind-numbingly confusing. How am I supposed to start feeling better about myself and my life if people accuse me of being egotistical when I start to do so??? It doesn't compute for me. Then again, maybe it's not ALL about me...Maybe this is about her as well. She's had a rough life and been through a few bad relationships. She needs a lot of love & attention, and maybe there just wasn't enough attention to go around when we were both in the same room. Maybe she needs a guy that's more confident/comfortable in his own skin, a guy that can focus on her needs. And maybe I need a girl that is more patient and realizes that I am a work in progress. A girl that knows that I'm worth waiting for and one that can love me despite my faults. Maybe we had a good relationship in spite of ourselves. Maybe this thing was doomed to fail from the start. Who knows. All I know is that we did (and maybe still do) have deep love for one another, but personality-wise we're not a good fit right now (maybe we never were).
The only thing I'm certain of right now? I'm gettin' drunk as a skunk tonight...Lol!
